Author: Rob Rienzo

Why Compassion Always? – Part 2

In Part 1 we learned of the many factors that impact human behaviour, none of which we choose nor have any control over. 

In light of this “there-but-for-the-grace-of-God-go-I” reality, the logic of universal compassion just naturally follows. 

And yes, this means even toward the most disagreeable of individuals, because failing to do so is akin to getting angry at someone for, say, having blue eyes.

In short, while we see the logic in not judging someone for physical attributes – like blue eyes – we utterly fail to make the connection that behaviour too is driven 100% by physical factors. 

After all, how could it not be?  Ultimately everything we think, say, or do must be rooted in the chemistry and physics of our body – a chemistry and physics molded by factors totally unique to each of us.   

Our Behavioural Filters

Here is a depiction of what I’m getting at:

 

While we each take in the same neutral sensory information (i.e. sights, sounds, scents, etc.) each of us nonetheless live in our own unique ‘reality’. 

Why?  Because sensory inputs pass through our unique set of filters – biological factors, life experiences, culture, current mood, etc., etc.   As a result, despite each of us experiencing the same inputs, we nonetheless perceive ‘reality’ differently.  

To you, your personal reality only appears to be the “correct” one because you couldn’t have any other ‘reality’ given your unique combination of filters. 

Try out this thought experiment.  If you and I were to swap all the atoms in our respective bodies, atom for atom, eventually you would become me and I would become you – your reality would become mine and mine yours. 

Suddenly, you and I would view the world very differently from the way we previously had.  What used to seem so obviously right and proper may now seem rather questionable; perhaps even downright wrong.

This is how conflict so innocently arises; we each mistakenly believe our own reality to be “correct” because it’s the only one we know, the only one we can know given our unique set of filters.

Why Compassion Always?

But filters are neither correct nor incorrect, they’re just different. 

What this means is that your take on reality is just as valid as mine, and vice versa.  Therefore, it necessarily follows that everyone’s take on reality is equally valid. 

In light of this, four conclusions naturally follow:

  1. Differences of opinion are inevitable, something to be expected, and therefore nothing to get upset about.
  2. Needing to be right makes zero sense.  Why?  Because we each come to the table with different views of what’s right.  But individual filters aren’t right or wrong, just different, so all views are equally ‘right’ – to each of us individually and uniquely.  
  3. Taking offence makes zero sense.  Why?  Because the other person’s words and actions aren’t about you.  They simply reflect their perception of how the world ought to work in light of their personal filters.  It’s not about you – it’s about them.     
  4. Compassion, always, is the only logical way forward. 

In practice what this means is thinking “Filters” and “Unique Realities” each and every time you encounter a challenging individual.  You may think them odd and they may think the same about you, but compassion must nonetheless reign because neither you nor they had any say over the factors and filters that make us each uniquely different. 

“We can see that our beliefs are merely a function of past conditioning and experiences.  Had our past been different, our ideas about life would be different.”

Richard Carlson, “You Can Be Happy No Matter What“

Most fortuitously, ‘compassion, always’ also fosters a kinder, gentler, more caring world for us all.

Warmest wishes,

Rob @ Living a Mindful Life

Addendum – Compassion Q&A

Q:  What about someone like, say, Hitler?  Surely such evil individuals don’t merit compassion. 

A:  Yes, they most certainly do.  First off, describing someone as “evil” is problematic because it implies choice; that someone chooses to be evil.  But do they really?  After all, we don’t get to choose the factors and filters impacting our behaviour.  Hitler’s world view made complete sense to him given all the factors that led to him being him.  But he had no say in those factors, so he deserves our compassion.  Everyone does.

Q:  So then, we just sit back and let such people wreak havoc in society?

A:  Of course not.  Compassion doesn’t mean we don’t take steps to prevent someone like a Hitler from causing harm.  But we root such steps in compassion and respect, not in blame, anger, hatred, and vengeance.

Q:  Okay, what about people who, say, lead a life of crime but then turn their lives around and become model citizens.  If they can choose to be better people, surely anyone can if they try hard enough.

A:  There’s that problematic belief in choice again.   It is illusory.  If such an individual manages to turn a troubled life around, it’s because they were fortunate enough to be dealt behavioural factors that provide them with the impetus, insight, and ability to do so.  In the absence of such factors it wouldn’t even occur to them why they may wish to change, nor would they possess the ability to effect such change.   

For example, studies have found that, on average, the IQs of convicts are lower than that of law-abiding citizens.  This leads to two pertinent observations.  First, we don’t get to choose our IQ.  Second, we must ask ourselves if possessing a lower IQ increases or decreases the odds of both deciding to change one’s life and, having so decided, to also possess the ability to do so.  I believe the answer is obvious; those cursed with low IQ struggle to make wise choices, through no fault of their own .  And this is why ‘compassion always‘ just makes sense, because we don’t get to choose the factors and filters that make us who we are.

Q:  So, we’re stuck being who we are then?  We can’t become better people?

A:  Again, if an individual is fortunate enough to have been dealt the factors pertinent to self-reflection, motivation, and the intellectual capacity to effect personal change then yes, they can most definitely take steps to better themselves.  In fact, a daily mindfulness and meditation practice is one of the best means to do so, in effect augmenting our set of behavioural filters. 

However, there are also individuals who, through no fault of their own, lack such factors/filters and so are, in effect, largely stuck being who they are.  Of course, there is always hope for each of us because behavioural factors are not static; they change over time impacted by new life experiences and changes to our internal chemistry and physics.  So even an individual initially lacking the means to mold themselves into a better citizen of the world can experience an “ah ha!” moment that permits them to turn their life around.  It’s just much less likely that they ever will. 

Q:  How does forgiveness differ from compassion?

A:  Whereas compassion is a coming together of equals, forgiveness implies a subtle superiority of the forgiver over the supposed transgressor; a magnanimous favor bestowed.  Further, forgiveness implies choice – that the transgressor could have behaved differently, but chose not to.  But as discussed above, the concept of choice is illusory.  Yes, after the fact an individual may regret their actions and, in light of this new life experience, alter their behaviour next time but, at the moment they transgressed, they simply could not have chosen differently (because they had not yet experienced the regret necessary to alter their behaviour this time).  As a result, the word ‘forgiveness’ has been permanently deleted from my vocabulary, replaced by ‘compassion, always‘.

 

 

   

The Wisdom Gap

Learning to Respond to Life Rather than Reacting to It

As depicted below, the Wisdom Gap refers to the learned ability to distance yourself from your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. 

Reacting

Here’s an example of reacting to life.  You’re driving home on a stretch of road under repair by the City when you encounter some very sharp rocks that instantly puncture both front tires. 

After the initial shock wears off and you’ve steered your car to safety, your emotions swell – anger at the City for not taking better care of the road; anxiety over who to call and what to do next; worry over the extent of the damage and cost of the repair bill; and dread thinking about how much of your time this is all going to consume, to say nothing of the many frustrations expected along the way.  

In short, you’re angry, frustrated, anxious, and feeling overwhelmed.  Upsetting thoughts swirl, seemingly of their own accord, with you as their helpless victim.  What had been a peaceful mindset just moments before has been transformed into a right awful mood.  Your day is ruined. 

Tragically, this is how most of us interact with the world when things don’t go our way- we immediately identify with our thoughts. 

Indeed, we don’t even realize we’re thinking.  Instead, we take our thoughts unquestioningly as simply reflecting reality. 

Sadly, what we fail to realize is this; that in the absence of our thinking, everything in life is, in fact, neutral – it simply is what it is.  Our ruined day is just us thinking ourselves into a snit.

Minus this realization, we become our thoughts. If angered we become anger.  If anxious we become anxiety.  We lose perspective, we lack intelligence, and our wisdom goes missing in action.  And let’s not even think about the awful health ramifications of exposing ourselves to chronic stress.

In short, absolutely nothing good flows from this way of dealing with life.  Fortunately, there is an alternative – we can choose to respond rather than react.

Responding

Learning to respond to life means realizing fully that we are not our thoughts, feelings, and emotions.  In other words, with practice, we can readily develop the ability to feel angry without acting out in anger.  We can feel anxious without becoming overwhelmed with anxiety.  We can feel jealousy and envy and regret and the full host of negative feelings without getting lost in them (and making bad life choices as a result).

Instead, we simply observe ourselves feeling a certain way:  “There’s me, and there’s what I’m feeling” – two completely distinct things. 

YOU:  the raw inputs from your five senses – seeing, hearing, tasting, etc.  This is reality.  Of note and import is that these inputs are totally neutral; not good, not bad, simply ‘what is’.  

THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, and EMOTIONS:  as depicted below, these are simply your interpretation of these raw sensory inputs, your personal take on ‘what is’, after being filtered through your unique set of accumulated life experiences, preferences, biases, judgments, opinions, concepts of what’s right and wrong, beliefs, etc..

Through daily meditation practice we learn to see our true selves as separate and distinct from our thoughts, feelings, and emotions.  We learn to simply observe them rather than identify with them. 

In so doing, we take charge of our mental well-being.  We see that we have the ability to choose how, or whether, we wish to respond to life rather than mindlessly reacting to whatever thoughts, feelings, and emotions pass through our mind. 

In short, we stop taking our thoughts so seriously.  We remind ourselves that what we perceive as reality is just our conditioned thoughts.  Put a dozen people in the same exact situation and each will have their own unique perception of “reality”, and what to do about it.

Further, once skilled in thought recognition, we readily acknowledge that thoughts can’t hurt us or cause us emotional upset without our permission. 

Ultimately, we realize fully that we are the sole thinker behind each and every one of our troubling thoughts and that we possess the ability to redirect our thinking in whatever direction we so choose. 

Given this ability, why would we ever choose to dwell on troubling thoughts?

Why indeed.  And so, armed with this recognition, we simply observe how we’re feeling and decide what, if anything, to do about it, including simply letting such thoughts pass through our mind like so many scudding clouds on a windy day.  In short, we see them for what they are – simply thoughts, possessing no power over us.

In physical terms, what creating a Wisdom Gap does is turn down the volume of our reactive amygdala and permit the emotional intelligence of our responsively-wise prefrontal cortex to come to the fore.

Evolutionary Reminder

As I’ve mentioned in other posts, it’s always important to keep in mind that feelings and emotions are just evolution’s way of nudging us to behave in ways that enhance the odds of passing on our genetic material. 

But as we know, evolution cares not one jot about our happiness – that’s up to us to achieve through wise life choices.  And, by definition, wise life choices require wisdom, and this means ready access to the Wisdom Gap, the recognition that provides us access to clear, responsive thinking.

Case Study:  Responding Rather Than Reacting to Those Blown Tires

Armed with knowledge of the Wisdom Gap, instead of giving in to feelings of overwhelm we :

  • Know to make use of any number of mindfulness techniques to calm our jangled nerves such as PBS (Pause, Breathe, and Smile).  All such techniques serve to relax our body, slow down our anxious thinking, help us regain perspective, and provide renewed access to our innate wisdom.  
  • We laugh at our predicament, one we recognize as simply being part of life, no big deal, and nothing that untold others haven’t also experienced – and lived to tell the tale.
  • We reflect on the truth that clinging to our likes (here, functioning tires) or trying to push away our dislikes (here, flat tires, being stranded, etc.) leads only to needless psychological suffering.  Better to simply accept the reality of each situation that life presents and deal with it, minus any drama which adds nothing to the solution and just makes us feel worse.  We take to heart that there are no “problems”, simply situations to deal with.  Indeed, “problems” are just things we make up in our own heads.  In the absence of labeling a situation as ‘bad’, it just remains a situation, nothing more – simply a reality to be dealt with.
  • We feel gratitude that we weren’t hurt.  And after all, it’s only a car, and a car can be fixed. 
  • We maintain perspective, in this case that others around the world are experiencing far greater challenges than this.  Indeed, by comparison, this is simply too trivial to fuss over.
  • We remember that our perception of life is driven totally by our own thinking and that we’re in control of that thinking, our thinking isn’t in control of us.  In other words, negative feelings are simply the result of negative, dysfunctional thoughts.  Knowing this, we just permit them to pass on by.  By not locking on to them, better thoughts, wiser thoughts, can (and will) take their place.  In this healthier state of mind, solutions come more readily to mind.  And then we simply implement them, minus any needless angst and inner turmoil.
  • We remind ourselves to view life’s challenges not as problems but as wonderful teaching moments to practice mindfulness.  After all, it’s when the going gets tough that we’re most thankful for our daily mindfulness practice.  It’s this practice that permits us to maintain healthy mental functioning in the face of challenging circumstances.  Indeed, in the absence of such practice there is a near zero chance of ever responding wisely. Why? Because reacting to life habitually and unthinkingly is what most of us practice to death daily.  We unwittingly mold ourselves into masters of reacting!   In physical terms, what we are doing is strengthening the neuronal pathways leading to mindless reaction while leaving dormant those pathways that would otherwise provide access to responsive wisdom.
  • We notice when our thinking drifts anxiously off to an unchangeable past (“if only I’d taken that other route I was considering!!!  How stupid of me!”) or an unknowable made-up future (“Dealing with the City over damages is going to be SO frustrating!!!!”).  In that moment of noticing our loss of presence we simply let go of such thoughts and return our attention to the present, the only moment that actually exists.  Mindfulness, after all, is totally about living in the present moment.
Healthy Mental Functioning IS Possible

Now I know that many reading this post will view its message as fantastical thinking, positing a degree of thought-recognition and self-control both unattainable and unrealistic; perhaps even a tad odd. 

After all, I certainly would have thought so in my pre-mindfulness days.  Back then, I saw all thoughts as real and needing to be reacted to.

And as for self-control being perceived as odd, on more than one occasion I have been taken to task for failing to get upset, something society clearly deems to be EXPECTED!

But why get upset over life’s challenges if you don’t have to?  Surely it’s better to simply deal with each situation that arises matter-of-factly, minus the drama, and then move on.  This is the essence of the Wisdom Gap.  

But Mental Health and Peace of Mind Don’t Just Happen

Developing the ability to recognize that our own thinking is always the root cause of any and all psychological suffering we experience doesn’t just happen.  As with anything worthwhile in life, it takes a modicum of practice and dedication.

Case in point, people will spend hours exercising to enhance their physical health yet totally ignore the need to also attend to their mental health. 

In my own personal experience, true healthy mental functioning is realized only through a dedicated meditation practice (i.e. daily) coupled with moments of quiet reflection on life’s truths (i.e. daily exposure to the accumulated wisdom passed on to us by history’s greatest thinkers).

This blog is dedicated to sharing some of that wisdom, and I encourage you in the strongest possible terms to read this and other mindfulness sources with the utmost regularity.    

In the final analysis, please know this; that your happiness and psychological well-being lie fully in your hands and that no circumstances, no matter how dire, can keep you from their achievement.

Warmest wishes,

Rob @ Living a Mindful Life

Addendum:  The Wisdom Gap Prrr Practice

For me, the title of this wisdom practice brings to mind the image of a peaceful, contented cat, perhaps apropos as we practice responding to life’s travails rather than reacting to them:

         Pause

         relax          

         reflect

         respond

Pause:  Use the tensing of your body to an upsetting situation as a warning: “Do not go down that path!”.  Instead, pause; purposely create a Wisdom Gap, that essential bit of space between stimulus and response.

Relax:   Take a few slow, deep breaths and consciously relax your muscles.  Doing so preferentially activates our calming parasympathetic nervous system, shuts down our stress reaction, and permits our Executive Functioning to come to the fore (i.e. impulse control, emotional control, and creativity).

Reflect: Having put yourself into a somewhat calmer state of mind, take a further moment to reflect on the situation at hand, its trivial nature in the big scheme of things, and the benefits of responding with respect and wisdom instead of anger.

Respond:   Having created a Wisdom Gap, you now possess the clarity required to respond to the situation with compassion and innate wisdom.

However, if after attempting the Prrr practice you still feel agitated, it’s surely best to request a time out before dealing with the situation.  Whatever the matter at hand may be, if it’s important enough, it deserves to be dealt with properly once you (and your perceived protagonist) are both in a better frame of mind.  Simply put, wisdom needs a calm mind; an agitated mind is antithetical to a positive outcome.

And lastly, if the situation at hand is ultimately not that important, then surely it’s best to just let it go.  After all, life is far too short and far too precious to waste any of it fussing over trivial matters; and most issues are, from a big-picture perspective, utterly trivial.

Warmest wishes,

Rob @ Living a Mindful Life

  

 

Nurturing Optimal Mental Health

Finding Abiding Peace in Under 20 Minutes a Day

Mindfulness practice has the power to transform our lives, helping us to:

  1. Deal with life’s challenges with greater wisdom.
  2. Be kinder, gentler, more compassionate human beings.
  3. Maintain a healthier perspective on life.
  4. Nurture a life of peace, happiness, and contentment irrespective of external circumstances. 

The question is, how do we bring these about? 

Mind Training

Fortunately, there are simple meditation practices specifically designed to train the mind in a manner that naturally fosters optimal mental health.

Intended as a short daily practice, they consist of these components:

  1. Calming the mind.
  2. Quiet reflection on key mindfulness teachings.
  3. Affirmation and visualization of the traits we wish to nurture.

In my own case, I devote between fifteen to twenty minutes each morning to a particular mindfulness routine that incorporates all three of these techniques.  

What I especially like about this practice is that, despite its simplicity and brevity, it is impressively comprehensive, providing  daily exposure to many of the core teachings of mindfulness.

Indeed, it is exactly this repetitive exposure that lies at the heart of its magic. Through the science of neuroplasticity, consistent practice beneficially alters the neuronal structure of your brain. Over time, the wisdom of mindfulness steadily becomes integrated fully into who you are.

In short, for anyone wishing to foster a more peaceful life and to nurture optimal mental health, I can think of no better mindfulness practice to help bring these about. 

An Important Caveat

One important word of guidance however.  As with the learning of any new skill, persistence and patience are essential.  Count on dedicated practice for at least a couple months to even begin to notice a difference.

So, please don’t give up just because you feel you’re not making progress.  You are. 

But it won’t happen overnight.  The changes will prove subtle, virtually unnoticeable from day to day. 

Until, that is, you suddenly catch yourself feeling happy for no reason, or responding to an unpleasant situation with a wisdom you hadn’t realized you possessed, or finding joy in little things that previously would have escaped your notice. 

In other words, when the reality of a better you, a mentally-healthier you, suddenly becomes too obvious to overlook.   

And it will happen – but only through persistent daily practice.

“Lasting well-being arises from cultivating positive emotions and wisdom.”

“It requires sustained effort in training the mind and developing a set of human qualities such as inner peace, mindfulness, and altruistic love.”

“Such effort is eminently desirable.  We need to get rid of mental toxins and at the same time to cultivate states of mind that contribute to emotional balance and ensure the optimal flourishing of a truly healthy mind.”

Matthieu Ricard, Buddhist monk and author of “Happiness – A Guide to Developing Life’s Most Important Skill“

The Practice:  ‘CAGPACSS’  

The mnemonic ‘CAGPACSS’ helps us to remember the practice’s eight components: 

  • Calm concentration
  • Awareness
  • Gratitude
  • Patience
  • Acceptance
  • Compassion
  • Slow
  • Smile

The practice itself is completely straightforward:  simply contemplate each component in turn, bringing to mind the core teachings relating to each one.  

Of course, this obviously necessitates some familiarity with these teachings!

Not to worry!  To assist you in this regard, I present below some of the most pertinent teachings (along with numerous links to access expanded discussions). 

For beginners reading this post I do appreciate that the CAGPACSS practice may seem a touch overwhelming.  However, please don’t be put off from giving it a try – much potential happiness and personal growth hangs in the balance.

In addition, if my personal experience is any guide, as familiarity with the teachings grows, what you actually mentally ponder shrinks materially. Indeed, in some instances I’ve found that mentally contemplating just one word proves sufficient to acknowledge the truth of an entire body of wisdom.

So, now somewhat undaunted, let’s begin!   🙂

Calm Concentration

This is simply a quick body scan meditation to settle the mind and bring us into the present moment.  I typically devote about three to four minutes to this opening practice. 

Here are the basic opening steps:  1) Assume any standard meditation posture.  2) Take three deep, slow breaths (in to the count of four, hold for seven, out for eight, pause for four, repeat).  3) Mentally smile.  4) Start to breathe normally. 

Next, turn your attention to the toes of your right foot, noting any and all sensations.  Then move on to your right ankle, right shin, etc. until you have worked your way around your entire body. 

As each is brought into awareness, consciously soften and relax those muscles.  If it helps, pretend you are actually breathing through each body part.

The purpose here is to still the mind, relax the body, strengthen your ability to focus, and render you more receptive to the subsequent steps.

Awareness

Along with Concentration, Acceptance, and Love, Awareness forms one of the four key components of mindfulness.   Once internalized, these provide a solid foundation for abiding peace.

The practice here is simply to briefly reflect on each of these teachings:

  1. Suffering.   Pain is an inescapable part of life (loved ones die, relationships end, health and vigor deteriorate, etc.).  Suffering, however,  is optional and arises when we resist this fact.  We suffer when we cling obsessively to the things we like or try to push away the things we don’t like.  When we experience pain it doesn’t mean anything’s wrong, it just means we’re alive.  Don’t resist pain and find psychological freedom.
  2. Impermanence.  Everything comes to an end.  Resist this truth and needless suffering follows.  Accept this truth and peace of mind reigns.
  3. Intentions.  Here, silently bring to mind those character traits you aspire to embody. Visualize yourself acting in such a manner.  I use the phrasing, “May I be ….” (e.g.  May I be kind).  Some of the ideals I personally aspire to include the following:  being generous, ethical, patient, kind, gentle, considerate, respectful, compassionate, understanding, mindful, caring, thoughtful, and selfless.
  4. Interdependence and Interconnection.  Our egos tell us we are separate and apart. Reality tells us differently. In truth, we are all related, we all came from stardust, we all want the same things (to be happy and safe), and we’re all dependent on one another.
  5. Perspective.  Mentally fussing over moments we find disagreeable is confirmation of a loss of perspective and a lack of humility. The hard truth is that we are but insignificant flotsam in a vast unfolding universe. Only our comically-outsized egos lead us to believe otherwise.
  6. Human behaviour.  Our evolutionary inheritance inclines us to be self-centered, selfish, judgemental, nepotistic, and discontent. Expect differently from others and you will suffer. Understand and accept the biological basis behind our nature and be free.
  7. Thoughts, feelings, emotions.  1) Most thoughts pop into our head without conscious involvement.  Someone does something we don’t like and, without any volition on our part, our protective stress system kicks in and angry thoughts arise.  But we are not our thoughts – we don’t have to take them seriously.  We can distance ourselves from our thoughts, just be observers of our thoughts, and then choose how to respond (or, indeed, even whether to respond).  2) Feelings and emotions are simply evolution’s way of nudging us to maximize gene propagation, not to maximize our happiness.  Being aware of this, we realize we don’t have to take feelings and emotions seriously.  Just as with thoughts, we get to choose what to do about them, if anything.  If not latched on to, they soon dissipate.  3) Negative feelings are the result of negative thoughts.  Change the thoughts and our feelings change for the better – it’s that simple, and it’s always our choice.  4) External factors don’t cause us to feel a certain way.  It’s our thinking about those factors that do.  Change our thinking and our perspective changes, for the better.     
  8. Bodily sensations.  Tightness in our body is a signal that our stress system is switching on and our wisdom is switching off.  We use awareness of such tightness to pause, take slow, deep breaths, calm ourselves, smile, regain perspective, and then, and only then, proceed in a wise manner.  In so doing, our next action becomes our choice rather than our unthinking reaction. 
  9. Present moment.  Being fully aware of each present moment is to be mindful, to take notice, to pay attention.  Residing always in the ‘now’, not the past or future, is one of the keys to achieving enduring happiness and a peaceful life.

    In addition, being mindful of the present moment means living in “bare awareness”; living in lightness of being through conscious contact with our five senses minus any judgmental commentary.  In other words, we acknowledge that sound is just sound, scent is just scent, sight is just sight, touch is just touch, and taste is just taste.  They only cause upset when we add negative commentary.    

“This very simple process of noticing puts you in the present and makes you sensitive to context and perspective. It’s the essence of engagement. Noticing turns out to be literally and figuratively enlivening.”

Dr. Ellen Langer, Professor of psychology, Harvard University and author of “Mindfulness“ 

Gratitude

Here the practice is simply to reflect on some of the things you are grateful for.

Why this is important is that evolution has inclined us to be a “glass-half-empty” bunch, wasting much psychic energy fussing over the few bad things in our lives when, in reality, these are but insignificant trifles relative to all we have to be grateful for.

Should you have difficulty bringing some to mind try these helpful prompts: 

  • what never fails to bring a smile to your face?
  • what makes your life easier?
  • what brings you joy?
  • what gifts do you bring to the world?

We need not search for the profound here.  Indeed, it’s often the simplest of things that prove to be some of our greatest sources of gratitude.  By way of example, some of mine include such seemingly unremarkable things as passing clouds, the scent of a forest, the activity of birds around our feeders, and the sound of leaves in a breeze.  All make my life better and would be deeply missed if absent.  

Patience

Here I bring to mind this important reminder: 

“Let the world unfold in its own time.  Don’t struggle against it as this leads only to sorrow.“

I also reflect on the types of people with whom I often feel impatient.  For me these include the incurious, the illogical, the irrational, the unthinking, the dogmatic, the impatient, and the aggressive. 

The point of reflecting on such people is to heighten our sensitivity to them so that, in their presence, we may remain doubly patient and compassionate.  

Acceptance

Here I bring to mind these simple words of wisdom:

“Whatever life presents, just deal with it.  Forego any drama as this leads only to suffering.“

“There are no ‘problems’, simply situations to be dealt with.“

The essence of this teaching is that, whatever life brings our way, it’s all just part of life – the good and the bad – so just accept it all and deal with it, calmly and in a matter-of-fact manner.  

“To offer no resistance to life is to be in a state of grace, ease, and lightness.  This state is then no longer dependent upon things being in a certain way, good or bad.”

Eckhart Tolle, author of “The Power of Now“

It is acceptance that lies behind such pithy sayings as, “Let it go” and “Let it be”.  Simple, yet they carry much wise counsel.

Compassion

The teaching here is to extend compassion to everyone, without exception, under all circumstances, in every situation, full stop. 

Why?  Because an individual’s behaviour at any given moment is the best they can muster.  To believe otherwise, to believe they ‘ought to have known better’, is to ignore basic human biology. 

What creates a behaviour?  A particular set of neurons fire to create an action (we don’t control these).  Those neurons were kicked into action by particular hormones (we don’t control these).  Those hormones were released in response to particular stimuli (we don’t control these).  Those stimuli were ……     

And so on, and so on all the way back to evolutionary impacts on human behaviour from millenia ago (and we don’t control these either). 

What this describes is an inevitable chain of events that, once set into motion, cannot be altered.  And we have no direct control over any of the stages of this cascade of prior causes. 

In fact, it is only with the benefit of hindsight that better behaviour appears to have been a choice.  But in real time, it was simply an impossibility. 

Of course, daily practices such as CAGPACSS can improve the odds of better behaviour by altering our brain structure.  Indeed, we commit to such practices specifically to become better citizens of the world, ones who contribute to its peace rather than add to its aggression.  In so doing, we also contribute to our own optimal mental health.

The moral of the story then is this:

At any given moment, we’re all just doing the best we can. 

As a result, it necessarily follows that extending compassion to everyone, regardless of circumstance, is always the wisest response.

“When we consider an individual in the clutches of hatred, anger, and aggression, we should consider him more as a sick patient than as an enemy; someone who should be healed, not punished.”

Matthieu Ricard 

To help nurture compassion I mentally repeat these words (taken from a ‘Loving Kindness’ meditation), placing inclusive emphasis on the word “all”:

May all be happy and content

May all be healthy in mind, body, and spirit

May all be safe from mental and physical harm

May all have ease of being.

Slow

Here  we commit to slowing down every aspect of our lives. 

For this part of the practice I picture myself talking slower, walking slower, washing slower, golfing slower, eating slower, driving slower, thinking slower,….    

In my own personal experience, the act of slowing down has not only improved my golf game  🙂 , it is also materially responsible for the sense of peace and calm that now permeate my day.   

Through this practice I have also become more sensitized to the tightness associated with rushing and use it as my signal to ease up and slow myself down. 

Smile

Here the practice is simply to bring a half smile to your face, an act that immediately banishes seriousness and self importance.

In my practice I often envision the semi-historical Chinese monk, Budai, he of fat belly and broad grin featured at the top of this post, and then mentally smile to myself.  Doing so immediately softens my mood, puts life into perspective, and compels me to take life much less seriously.  

Smiling is wonderful for us, even if forced, because it releases the feel-good biochemicals dopamine (pleasure), serotonin (calming), and endorphins (pain relief).  As an added bonus, smiling is also contagious, and so benefits those around us as well.

Nurturing Optimal Mental Health

In the absence of mind-training practices like CAGPACSS we tend to life life on evolutionary auto-pilot:  habitual, unthinking, mindless, and harshly reactive. 

Living in this manner, although sadly the norm, is in fact the antithesis of sound mental health and an impediment to finding inner peace.  

Fortunately, reflective practices like CAGPACSS provide an easily-accessible path to optimal mental health and help foster the peaceful lives we all seek; lives imbued with an ease of being independent of external circumstances.  

In other words, true peace.

Warmest regards,

Rob @ Living a Mindful Life

P.S.  To access a handy two-page summary of the CAGPACSS meditation suitable for printing, click on this link.

 

 

 

COVID-19 Anxiety Relief Toolkit

With breathtaking speed our world has been turned upside-down by the COVID-19 pandemic.  We are bombarded by an unremitting stream of bad news.  Uncertainty, fear, anxiety, sadness, and stress abound. 

But we can’t let this get the best of us because, if left unchecked, fear undergoes its own contagion, spreading faster than the virus itself.  Collective stress ramps up and awful implications follow:

Mindfulness Toolkit for Calm

Here’s how we’re going to get through this together:  each of us is going to take personal responsibility for our own psychological health.  Our combined calming presence will in turn have a calming effect on those around us.  Together, we can initiate a ripple of calm throughout society.

“I like to use the example of a small boat crossing the Gulf of Siam. In Vietnam there are many people, called boat people, who leave the country in small boats. Often the boats are caught in rough seas or storms, the people may panic, and boats may sink.

But if even one person aboard can remain calm, lucid, knowing what to do and what not to do, he or she can help the boat survive. His or her expression – face, voice – communicates clarity and calmness, and people have trust in that person. They will listen to what he or she says.

One such person can save the lives of many.  You are that person.”

Thich Nhat Hanh, Buddhist monk

The practice of mindfulness is more than up to this challenge.  Numerous studies attest to its efficacy to reduce stress and anxiety (as well as providing numerous other health benefits).

Below I provide a compendium of pertinent mindfulness practices and miscellaneous insights designed to help nurture sound mental health.  My guidance is to make use of these whenever you feel yourself becoming anxious or stressed:

Deep Breathing

Slow, conscious, deep breathing activates our calming parasympathetic nervous system, thus helping to shut down our stress reaction.

    • Sit comfortably, gently close your eyes, breathe in slowly to the count of four, hold for seven, breathe out to the count of eight.  Repeat at least three times.  You may also wish to silently repeat the words “calm” on the in-breath and “peace” on the out-breath.

Smile

Smiling, even if forced, has a calming effect and helps to counter the over-seriousness we feel when stressed.  It is known to promote the release of such helpful hormones as serotonin (calming), dopamine (positive feelings), and endorphins (natural pain killers). 

    • In my practice I sit comfortably, close my eyes, relax my body, and then bring to mind the semi-historic Chinese monk, Budai, colloquially known as the “laughing buddha”.  He never fails to bring a smile to my face.  You can, of course, use your own cue for smiling, like a dear friend or a family pet.

Body Softening Scan

Because mind and body are interconnected, consciously relaxing your muscles automatically relaxes your mind, choking off the stress response.

    • Sit comfortably, close your eyes, breathe naturally, and begin to turn your focus of attention to each part of your body in turn.  I usually start from the toes of my right foot moving on to my sole, upper foot, ankle, etc., over to the toes of my other foot and on upward to the top of my head. 
    • As you focus on each body part in turn, consciously soften the muscles there, perhaps bringing the image of melting wax to mind.
    • As a tool to aid focus, try imagining that you are physically breathing into and out of each body part that you bring into focus.

Nature Walk

If physically able, take a slow-paced stroll through a forest or other natural area and really pay attention to the sights, sounds, scents, and feel.

    • Focusing intently on our senses brings us into the present moment.  Doing so has been found to make us feel happier and more at peace.  Confining our attention to the present moment calms an otherwise anxious mind that is all too often fretting over an unchangeable past or fearing an unknowable future.

Gratitude

For evolutionary reasons designed to keep us alert to potential danger, it is built into us to focus more on the few bad things in our life rather than the many-times-more-abundant good things.  Needless to say, such an orientation drags us down and amplifies our stress.

    • Take a moment to bring to mind all the many things for which you are grateful, that bring you joy, and for which you are deeply appreciative.  These can be as simple as the sound of birds outside your kitchen window or as profoundly comforting as a deeply-rewarding friendship. 

Miscellaneous Mindful Moments

Make a point of inserting some of the practices outlined below into your daily routine or whenever you feel stress and anxiety coming on.  They help activate your calming system, shut down your stress reaction, and bring you into the present moment, thus eliminating thoughts of the past and future that tend to create mental upset.

If you wish to regiment these throughout your day, consider downloading a timing app such as the one I use, “Mindful Me”, that provides regular reminders to take a mental break: 

  1. Pause, Breathe, Smile (PBS) – stop what you’re doing, close your eyes if feasible, take a few deep conscious breaths, and smile.  As with deep breathing mentioned above, you may wish to mentally repeat the words “calm” on the in-breath and “peace” on the out-breath. 
  2. Seeing Red – for a set period of time, say the next hour, make a point of spotting things around you that are red (or any colour of choice).  Doing so forces you into the present moment.
  3. 5-senses break – stop what you’re doing and tune into your five senses in sequence, noting each with heightened curiosity.  Doing so creates presence.
  4. Practice S.T.O.P. – 1) Stop whatever you’re doing.  2) Take a few slow, deep breaths.  3) Observe your thoughts, feelings, and emotions but without identifying with them.  Simply observe them in the same manner you observe inputs from your other senses.   4) Proceed with a kindness to yourself – a gentle stroll, healthy snack, or casual conversation with a friend.
  5. Find your feet – stop what you’re doing and focus full attention on the sensations in your feet.  This practice shuts down anxious thinking and brings you back into the present moment.  Why the feet?  Because stress makes itself felt in places like our belly, chest, shoulders, and face but not our feet, so focusing there moves us away from stress.
  6. What will my next thought be? – this practice is from spiritual teacher, Eckhart Tolle.  Close your eyes and focus intently on what your next thought will be.  Be like a cat crouched and alert just outside a mouse hole.  If my experience is any guide, you may  have to wait a while!
  7. Random noticing – close your eyes, turn your head in a random direction, re-open your eyes, and then intensely study whatever comes into view.  Be like a scientist encountering a strange new phenomenon.  Note absolutely everything about the scene engaging all your senses to take in colours, textures, feel, scents, sounds, shapes, light, dark, shadows ….
  8. Mindful accessory – wear a colourful band on your finger or wrist and each time you notice it, practice PBS – pause, breathe, and smile!
  9. Recovery Period – after finishing a task, don’t immediately plunge into the next.  Instead, take a mini break and do something kind for yourself.
  10. Task focus – whatever you’re doing, just focus intently on the process of doing it, not on the end result.  Doing so keeps you in the present moment.

Limit News Intake

Like the guidance I used to provide my clients urging them not to pay attention to the stock market, it is equally prudent to limit your intake of COVID-19 news. 

Immersing yourself unduly in the tragedy serves only to make the challenge of stress management all the more difficult – akin to purposely exposing yourself to a virus over and over and over again.

Managing Troubling Thoughts

Anxious thoughts often get stuck in our minds, lowering our mood and triggering our stress response.  Here are a couple ideas that may help:

    1. In your mind’s eye, picture your thoughts inside a soap bubble that is floating in the air around eye level.  Watch it rise slowly upward and upward and then ‘pop’ – gone.  Then turn your mind and focus on to something else.
    2. In your mind, speak directly to your thought – “Hello fear, hello anxiety – I see you“.   Bringing troubling thoughts into conscious awareness often has the effect of diminishing their stress-inducing impact.

Meditations on Compassion

When we’re troubled it often helps to reverse roles.  Rather than be the sufferer, you turn yourself into the healer, extending good wishes out to all those suffering, just like you.

  1. Tonglen meditation – On each in-breath, imagine you are breathing in the pain of others – all of it.  On the out-breath, imagine you are sending them (and yourself) ease of being and relief from suffering.  Imagine a feeling of lightness, brightness, and cool accompanying each out-breath.  Breathe in suffering, breathe out relief and good wishes.
  2. Loving-Kindness meditation – in a variation on this type of meditation we voice the following phrases in our mind several times, sending out good wishes to all those who may be suffering:
      • May all be happy and content
      • May all be healthy in mind, body, and spirit
      • May all be safe from mental and physical harm
      • May all have ease of being

Selected Teachings of the Buddha

The Buddha taught his followers to face reality head-on and not to look away in fear.  He also encouraged them to confirm the truth of his teachings for themselves and not to take his or any one else’s word for it.  Some 2600 years later, his guidance remains pertinent, especially in these difficult times: 

    • Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.  We experience suffering when we make a fuss over life’s inevitable troubles.  Resistance is futile in the face of something that already is.  The alternative?  Calm acceptance: whatever troubles come your way, just see them as part of life and deal with them matter-of-factly.
    • Impermanence – everything in the entire universe is in constant flux, nothing is unchanging.  Good times come to an end, but so do bad times.
    • Realistic Options – when faced with troubles we have three sane options:  1) Change the situation if possible.   2) Remove ourselves from the situation if possible.   3) If neither change nor removal is possible, the only sane response remaining is acceptance – to face reality with equanimity and deal with it with wisdom rather than unintelligent and futile resistance.
    • Our thoughts make our world –  “We are what we think.  All that we are arises with our thoughts.  With our thoughts we make the world.” – Buddha.  In other words, change the channel on your thoughts if you wish to change the program from tragedy to comedy – it’s always your choice.

Maintaining Perspective

In the midst of a crisis it is all too easy to lose perspective and become overwhelmed by the unremitting bad news.  Seeking out alternative story lines can help balance the scale, raise your mood, and give cause for hope. 

In this regard, here are some positive thoughts to ponder related to COVID-19:

    • A recent article in the Economist magazine reports that there are seven existing drugs thought to hold promise in treating the symptoms of COVID-19.  One, Actemra, is already being put to use in China.
    • Clinical trials on potential COVID-19 vaccines are reported to already be underway in China and the United States.
    • The world’s best and brightest are toiling away 24/7 to bring this virus under control.
    • The virus cannot survive simple soap and water, giving us all some degree of control over infection through rigorous personal hygiene.
    • Ultimately, if despite social distancing, not touching your face, and frequent hand washing you are still unlucky enough to contract the virus, then you can take a measure of solace from the fact that, according to the World Health Organization, roughly 8 out of 10 people will experience only mild symptoms.  Of course, the elderly and those with certain existing health conditions need to take extra precautions, but for the majority of people this virus does not pose an existential health threat.
    • On the economic front, governments around the world are turning on the money taps and implementing corporate and personal financial support programs to soften the blow to the global economy.
    • On the human front, heartwarming stories of compassion are increasingly on display.  People are reaching out to their elderly neighbors with offers to buy essentials for them.  Those in self-imposed quarantine are being tended to by friends and family.  Stay-at-home moms and dads are helping their working neighbors with offers of free childcare.  We are pulling together to get through this.
    • I firmly believe there will be a silver lining to this tragedy and can envision the following:
      • Pandemic preparedness and global cooperation will be better going forward.
      • Commercial supply chains will be designed with greater flexibility and resilience in mind.
      • World leaders who manage this crisis poorly will be turfed in favor of more competent individuals.
      • Stronger social programs will be put in place (such as paid sick leave and universal health care in the United States).
      • This crisis will bring people together and help them appreciate our shared destiny, interdependence, and interconnection.
Tend to Your Well Being

As U.S. President, Franklin D. Roosevelt, said in his stirring inaugural address delivered at the peak of the Great Depression in 1933, “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself“.  I agree with him wholeheartedly.

But to be of help to others during these difficult times we first need to look after ourselves, mentally and physically.  I hope this guide goes some way to providing you with the tools for tending to your own mental well-being.

Keep safe everyone, look after yourselves, and spread your calm presence widely.

Warmest wishes,

Rob @ Living a Mindful Life 

Selflessness – A Wiser Path Through Life

When you think of the word “Me” or “I” what comes to mind? 

Are you your body? 

No, that can’t be it, because your body is subject to constant change; there is no permanent “You” there.  You can’t be something that changes from moment to moment because tomorrow’s “You” isn’t today’s “You”. 

Sure, there’s a strong resemblance from one day to the next based on our weak powers of perception, but take a peek at your Grade 3 class photo and it’s quickly obvious that there’s no permanent “You” to be found in your body.

Well, what about your personality, opinions, and beliefs, the things you stand for that help define you as a person? 

Like your body, there is certainly a sameness from moment to moment but, ultimately, these too are subject to change over time.  In my own case I’m more outgoing than I used to be, less judgmental, and more understanding.

The same holds true for our situation in life – employed, retired, healthy, ill – nothing here either but constant flux. 

In fact, when you try to pin down exactly what constitutes “You”, it’s all just stuff subject to change – there is no distinct thing that is a definitive, unchanging “You”.

In truth, what we typically think of as “Me” is really just a social construct, a useful piece of shorthand to facilitate communication, sort of like a house address to make sure the mail gets to the right recipient.

Why This Matters

I know this all sounds rather esoteric, but at its heart lies a key mindfulness teaching, one that can make the difference between a life filled with peace and love and one filled with anxiety and drama. 

The truth of the matter is that when we fail to see who we really are (we’re coming to this shortly) and, instead, identify with our egos (i.e. our made-up image of ourselves) we get ourselves into a heap of trouble. 

 

As soon as we create and identify with a “Me” we automatically create an “Other”, someone who is not us.  

Given our innate tendency to favor ourselves (and those close to us) over others and to ruthlessly protect our self image and reputation, needless conflict follows.  For proof of this, just check out the headlines from any newspaper to confirm just how awful we can treat each other when mindless egos do battle. 

“According to the teaching of the Buddha, the idea of self is an imaginary, false belief.  It produces harmful thoughts of “me” and “mine”, selfish desire, craving, attachment, hatred, ill-will, conceit, pride, and egoism.  It is the source of all the troubles in the world from personal conflicts to wars between nations.  In short, to this false view can be traced all the evil in the world.”

Walpola Rahula, author of “What the Buddha Taught”  

The Delusion of Self

The current coronavirus pandemic makes it pointedly clear just how delusional our ego-centric approach to life is. 

We’re not a separate “Me” and a separate “You” and a separate “Them” – we’re all in this thing called life together – interdependent and interconnected. 

Indeed, all living and inanimate things are better thought of as but fleeting cosmic phenomena momentarily coming together in the vastness of time and space and then moving on again, taking up new roles in the ceaseless unfolding of the universe.  Einstein put it this way:

“A human being is a part of the whole called  by us “universe”, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness.

This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us.

Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”

Albert Einstein, theoretical physicist (1879 – 1955)

Here’s how I picture things.  Think of these clouds as the unfolding universe, hundreds of billions of light-years across in every direction and some fourteen billion years old.       

You and I?  We’re just a tiny collection of atoms within this cosmic vastness;  fleeting, ever-changing agglomerations that have come together in time and space for but a brief moment, soon to disperse, and all the time just part and parcel of the great, magnificent whole. 

In other words, we’re not IN the universe, we’re OF it.  This is why it’s delusional to think of ourselves as separate beings – we’re all just part of a great unfolding mystery. 

“Those swirls of cream mixing into the coffee?  That’s us.  Ephemeral patterns of complexity riding a wave of increasing entropy from simple beginnings to simple end.  We should enjoy the ride.”

Dr. Sean Carroll, “The Big Picture“

So, Who are “You”?

The following observations point us toward the answer: 

  • Anything that you can observe cannot be “You”.  Why?  Because it’s the “You” who’s doing the observing. 
  • Anything that can be observed is subject to change.  Anything subject to change can’t be “You” because with each passing moment there would be a different “You”.  Which one is the real “You”?  None of them.
  • The only thing not subject to change is that which does the observing – the true “You”.  

What is it that we can observe?  Through our five senses of seeing, hearing, feeling, tasting, and smelling we observe the external world, including our own bodies. 

What about our thoughts, feelings, and emotions?  Yes, these too can be observed (“I sense that I’m feeling angry”).   In this regard, our brain serves as a sixth sense, tasked with monitoring our inner weather patterns – anxious, joyful, angry, sad, envious. 

So who is the “You” doing all this observing? 

The answer?  Your conscious awareness. 

Everything outside of consciousness is observable and subject to change and so can’t be “You”.  This leaves only one conclusion:

At your essence, you are simply pure consciousness,

pure awareness, the one who observes. 

You – the Observer

At our most basic we can think of ourselves simply as observers of stimuli.  

Our bodies are equipped with a myriad of sensors (for sight, hearing, touch, taste, smell, and the brain, tasked with monitoring our thoughts, feelings, and emotions). 

These sensors monitor stimuli from the outside world, as well as our inner world, and send the information to our conscious awareness. 

The real “You”, the observer, the one consciously aware of this information, then gets to decide what, if anything, to do about it.

But this brings up an important caveat – stimuli, by their very nature, are neither good nor bad, they simply are what they are – in other words, reality. 

Living in conscious awareness means accepting this truth.  Conscious awareness doesn’t embellish the information received from the senses – no judgments about whether it’s good or bad, no opinions.  Instead, it simply accepts it as is and then, with equanimity, deals with it – no drama, no muss, no fuss – simply a well-considered response given whatever life situation presents itself. 

And what is meant by “well-considered”?  Whatever response lends itself to bringing peace into the world rather than adding to its aggression.

“Getting behind our conscious thoughts and feelings can allow us to steer a more intelligent course through our lives.”

Sam Harris, author of “Waking Up – A Guide to Spirituality Without Religion“

“The part of our mind that is aware of anger is just simply aware – it is not angry.  In other words, awareness is not affected by the emotion it is observing.  When we understand that, we can step back, realize this emotion has no solidity, and allow enough space for it to dissolve by itself.”

Matthieu Ricard, author of “Why Meditate?“

“One of the most life-changing realizations you can have is “I don’t have to believe my thoughts…they are just thoughts!” Any story you have about yourself is not the same as the unfolding reality of what you are: the ongoing life of your senses, the tenderness of your heart, the consciousness that right now is seeing or hearing these words. Yet because our beliefs are continuously filtering and interpreting reality, we mistake our stories about ourselves and the world for reality itself.”

Tara Brach, author of “Radical Compassion“

How We Mess This All Up

To our detriment however, we don’t live our lives as impartial observers.  Why?  Because we’re unconscious most of the time. 

What do I mean by unconscious?  Three things:

  1. We identify with our ego.
  2. We don’t live in the present moment but, rather, are often fixated on the future.
  3. We lack awareness of our animal instincts.

Identification With Ego

As mentioned above, we tend to think of ourselves as being separate and apart from everyone and everything.  While understandable, this is nonetheless an illusion, one that results in needless grief. 

And even if you don’t buy that it is an illusion, failing to counter such a view leads to grief regardless, so still best to ditch the ego and live instead in pure conscious awareness.

“In a controversy, the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth, and have begun striving for ourselves.”

Thomas Carlyle, British historian, writer, and philosopher (1795 – 1881)

“Bringing people together is what I call “ubuntu”, which means “I am, because you are”.  Far too often we think of ourselves as just individuals, separated from one another, whereas you are connected and what you do affects the whole world.  When you do well, it spreads out, it is for the whole of humanity.”

The Most Reverend Desmond Tutu, South African Anglican Bishop (1931 – 2021)

Future Focus  

To our detriment, our minds are often fixated on the future rather than remaining firmly in the present moment, the only moment we ever get to actually experience life.  For example:

  • When driving somewhere we fixate on arriving at our destination and so fail to pay attention to each present moment.  One need only observe people’s driving these days to get a sense of what I’m talking about – speeding to get to their destination, their mind firmly fixed on the future, and their present moment doesn’t even register – they’re unconscious.  And the downside? Rushing causes stress which poisons the body and blocks access to intelligence and self-control.  Increasing episodes of road rage are but one evident consequence.
  • When working on a task we fixate on the end-point, its completion, rather than giving our full attention to the moment-by-moment actions required to do it.  For many, meal preparation is an unpleasant task.  As a result, we try to rush through it, our focus solely on the future – when we get to eat.  In this manner, we ensure that cooking is indeed an onerous task and make ourselves temporarily and needlessly miserable – we’re unconscious.  Why do I say needlessly miserable?  Because studies find that tasks done with attention to process rather than on the finish line render even odious tasks bearable, and often even interesting.

Animal Instincts

We are unconscious to our evolutionary inheritance.  Without this awareness, getting through life is akin to being controlled by an utterly mindless and predictable computer algorithm:  “If this happens, then I react in this manner.” 

But the computer code that controls us was written by evolution billions of years ago and so is ridiculously outdated.  As a result, it produces mindless and utterly predictable behaviour:

  • “If John insults me then I get angry and shout at him”
  • “If my boss gives me too much work to do then I get stressed, frustrated, depressed, and angry”
  • “If I don’t get my way then I pout and sulk and think disparaging thoughts about whoever or whatever is thwarting my wishes”

Living in such a manner is analogous to being a sentient puppet unaware you have access to scissors.  Worse, you don’t even realize that strings control your life.

This “if-then” type of existence is what I refer to as living in evolutionary default mode.  It is an unthinking, habitual, reactive, unintelligent way of getting through life evidenced by selfishness, frustration, impatience, intolerance, low-level chronic anxiety and discontent.

A Wiser Path Through Life

What does it take to snap out of this ego-centric, “if-then”, unconscious way of  living?

  • First, we need to realize fully that our egos are not who we really are and that we’re not separate and apart from the rest of humanity nor of the universe.  In reality, we’re all just part of the natural unfolding of the universe.  Perceiving life in terms of “Me” and “Mine” runs exactly counter to tracing a wise path through life.

“True love is when you can look upon another being and, in them, see yourself.”‘

Anonymous

“We have flown the air like birds and swum the sea like fishes, but have yet to learn the simple act of walking the earth like brothers.”

Martin Luther King, Jr. (1929 – 1968)

“The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater our own sense of well-being becomes. Cultivating a close, warm-hearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. This helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacles we encounter. It is the ultimate source of success in life.”

Dalai Lama XIV

“When you are present, you can sense the spirit – the one consciousness in every creature – and love it as yourself.”

Eckhart Tolle, author of “A New Earth“

  • Second, we absolutely, positively need to remind ourselves, over and over, that we are simply members of the animal kingdom.  As such, like all animals, we are subject to instinctual control by that evolutionary algorithm.  Remembering this moment to moment is essential to waking up and resisting these instinctual tendencies. In the absence of such realization, you are that sentient puppet. 

In  terms of neurobiology, what this entails is training yourself to preferentially activate your wise frontal cortex instead of your reactive amygdala.  Meditation practice is essential in this regard, particularly loving-kindness meditation to strengthen compassion.  

It also helps immensely to ditch your ego and, instead, learn to laugh at yourself each time you get all riled up over one of life’s trivialities (and they’re all trivialities).  With each occurrence, feel free to say to yourself, “There you go again, caveman!” (or cave-woman as the case may be!)

  • Lastly, we need to realize that life can be lived so much more wisely through the adoption of simple conscious awareness:  observe all that arises with equanimity and then respond appropriately, in a considered manner.  Doing so eliminates so much needless drama. 

“Our practice is simply to settle back and note in each moment what is arising, without judgment, without evaluation, without interpretation.  It is simple, bare attention to what is happening.”

Jack Kornfield and Joseph Goldstein, authors of “Seeking the Heart of Wisdom“

Realizing Our True Nature

Living in spare conscious awareness we live life simply, meaning directly through our senses – reality untainted by our self-centered ego.

And guess what?  This is what mindfulness is all about! 

Present-moment conscious awareness of the raw stimuli sent from our six senses, unembellished by  ego-centric judgment, commentary, or opinion, and then choosing a well-considered response.

Ease of Being

Free of programmed puppet-like behaviour, we naturally begin to ease up, slow down, settle in, and accept with equanimity whatever life presents – good or bad. 

We get comfortable in our own skin and drop the armor we carry to protect our egos. 

We learn to cut ourselves, and others, considerable slack, acknowledging the often stupid behaviour we all exhibit from time to time driven by our built-in tendencies. 

And, with the resulting ease of being, we start noticing life again, just like when we were kids bursting with curiosity, enjoying it in all its aspects, especially its minute points of joy.

Warmest regards,

Rob @ Living a Mindful Life

P.S.  This link will take you to a meditation I created specifically to help dis-identify with ego and mentally shift to ‘non-self’.

“Scientists tell us of the constant changes in subatomic particles, but since these are not visible to our ordinary perceptions …. we assume that …. the world around us is immutable and fixed.

In fact, our body, feelings, and so on are dynamic processes in which every aspect of them is arising and passing away in each moment. Nothing is static, even though it may appear to be firm and unchanging because our perception is not sharp enough to detect the subtle changes occurring in each moment.

The obscured mind puts together these unique moments of ever-changing existence and sees them as solid objects so that the ignorant mind can deal with the world.

A stable, solid body is a mental image superimposed onto a stream of events in the same way that a spinning propeller is seen as a circle. The constant succession of discrete acts of cognition or feeling appears as a monolithic event, just as the rapid change of frames in a film appears as a smooth continuum.”

The Dalai Lama & the Venerable Thubten Chodron, Tricycle magazine

“However, as I pointed out before, if you choose to focus on the particle level, then you cannot draw neat boundary lines separating an entity such as a cell or a hog from the rest of the world in which it resides.  Notions like “cell” or “hog” aren’t relevant at that far lower level.

… electrons, photons, neutrinos, and so forth zip across such artificial boundaries without the least compunction.”

Dr. Douglas Hofstadter, physicist and author of “I am a Strange Loop“

Just Observe

“The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence.”

Jiddu Krishnamurti, Indian philosopher (1895 – 1986)

Observing Our Senses

Life as we know it comes into existence only because our five senses make us aware of “what’s out there”.   

Then it’s up to us.  How we choose to relate to these sensory inputs dictates whether we manifest heaven, or manifest hell. 

To be mindful is to observe what our senses are telling us without adding a layer of judgmental commentary – “that’s too cold, too salty, too loud, I don’t like that, …… ” 

For example, the sound of a lawn mower is inherently neither good nor bad; it’s simply sound waves reaching our ear which are then processed by our brain to let us know there is “something out there” that we should perhaps take note of in case it’s important to our survival.

Dealing with sensory inputs in this unembellished, non-judgmental manner – simply observing them much like a scientist observes an interesting specimen – provides us with psychic calm and homeostasis.

“Peace is this moment without judgment, this moment in the heart-space where everything that is, is welcome.”

Dorothy Hunt, poet and founder of the San Francisco Centre for Meditation and Psychotherapy 

But we don’t observe life in this manner, do we. 

Instead, we create a running commentary – “That lawn mower of John’s is so noisy I can’t hear myself think!!!!  And the smell of the fumes is awful!”  

The result?  Stress and upset, and all of it entirely self-induced and self-inflicted by our own thoughts; stuff we just make up in our own little heads.  After all, what one person finds annoying another may find amusing – only the thought differs. 

“The difference between a flower and a weed is a judgment.”

Barry Neil Kaufman, Co-founder of  the ‘Option Institute’

Yes, the sound of John’s lawnmower may indeed be making it difficult for you to concentrate.  And yes, few would consider lawn mower exhaust fumes to be enjoyable.  But we all know that this is exactly what lawnmowers do – that’s just reality. 

Applying judgmental commentary to reality accomplishes nothing – it’s just us trying to wish it away, to put up resistance to it. 

And what happens when we resist reality?  We cause ourselves needless suffering.  

So, the point here is that if we succumb to our tendency to be judgmental commentators on everything we see, hear, touch, smell, and taste then agitation will follow us everywhere.

If, on the other hand, we simply observe life – observe reality – through our senses, eschewing colour commentary, then peace, grace, and ease of being will be our constant companions.

This is the lesson of acceptance and non-resistance to life, letting it unfold in its own manner and in its own time without judging each moment as good, bad, or indifferent. 

In the absence of resistance, life smooths out and ceases feeling like a struggle.

As mentioned in other posts, this doesn’t mean passive victimization.  If something can be done to change or withdraw from a truly intolerable situation (assuming this is the best way forward), then by all means attempt to do so.  But if neither change nor withdrawal is possible or prudent, then acceptance is the only sane option.  

Observing Our Thoughts, Feelings, Moods, and Emotions 

In this same manner, we can also become observers of our thoughts, feelings, moods, and emotions.

Why would we wish to do this?  Two reasons come to mind:

  1. If we don’t keep our thoughts at arm’s length – if we don’t put a bit of distance between our conscious awareness and our thoughts – we tend to get all caught up in them.  We identify with our thoughts, become one with them, take them seriously, and then make a big deal out of them.  And whenever we do this, we inevitably react to life in unhelpful ways.  
  2. Putting that little bit of distance between ourselves and our thoughts provides us with the luxury of choice – to choose the wisest way forward rather than reacting unthinkingly.

For example, if we’re feeling angry we invariably react with anger.  But we all know that anger just elicits more anger.  Is this ever the wisest way forward?

“Understanding how our emotions have the power to run us around in circles helps us discover how we increase our pain.”

Pema Chodron, Buddhist nun and author of “Comfortable With Uncertainty“

“Understand that, in the end, the most powerful anger attack is no more than a thought.”

Matthieu Ricard, Buddhist monk and author of “Why Meditate?“

Why Do We Even Have Feelings?

Given the fact that feelings exacerbate all our perceived troubles, why do we even have them?  After all, bacteria seem to thrive just fine without thoughts, emotions, and feelings.  

Well, that’s a fair question.  Since emotions come so naturally to us we never bother to question why we even have them in the first place.  Why do we feel things like joy, anger, love, disgust, fear, and jealousy? 

Put simply, feelings are evolution’s way of nudging us to take advantage of opportunities and avoid loss.

But evolution only functions through one principle – enhancing the odds of passing genes to the next generation – our contentment and happiness do not come into play. 

“I had thought that selection shaped us to be healthy, happy, nice, cooperative members of a community.  Alas, no.  Natural selection does not give a fig about our happiness.  In the calculus of evolution, only reproductive success matters.”

Randolph Nesse, Professor of Psychiatry and author of “Good Reasons for Bad Feelings” 

What this means is that our feelings aren’t always acting in our best interest. 

Therefore, if we want to lead happy, peaceful lives, it is incumbent on us to take charge and assume full responsibility for how we act in the face of our feelings, emotions, and moods.

Changing the Calculus of Evolution

Knowing the evolutionary basis behind our feelings and its lack of interest in our peace of mind and mental well-being, with mindfulness practice we can develop the ability to simply observe them non-judgmentally.

For example, let’s say you get a terrible night’s sleep.  If you’re like me, you wake up the next morning feeling pretty grouchy!

In such circumstances, a mindless individual, in thrall to their emotions, fully identifies with their grouchiness – they become grouchiness.   Trivial issues feel like major irritants and loved ones are lashed out at for the slightest of perceived infractions.

By way of contrast, a mindful individual, practiced in being consciously aware of how they’re feeling moment to moment, simply observes the fact that they’re feeling grouchy – no big deal, it happens to everyone, just part of being human – and they know better than to identify with it or act on it. 

So, rather than giving in to their mood, they choose instead to go easy on themselves, and others.  

“Because of mindfulness, we see things when they arise.  Because of our understanding, we don’t buy into the chain reaction that makes things grow from minute to expansive – we leave things minute.”

Pema Chodron

“We so often create very complicated lives for ourselves, getting lost again and again in the drama of our stories and emotions. And yet, when we investigate our experiences in the moment more carefully, we see that it’s really only six things that ever happen:  sights and sounds, smells and tastes, sensations in the body, and objects of mind.

So when things seem too stressful, remember the possibility of renouncing the habit of proliferating thoughts, particularly the “I-me-mine” story, and come back to the simple experience of the moment.”

Joseph Goldstein, “Mindfulness – A Practical Guide to Awakening“

Moods Don’t Last

In addition to appreciating the evolutionary basis behind emotions, it’s also helpful to remind ourselves that moods are transitory, nothing more than unwanted house guests who will be gone come morning.

It’s why the saying, “Time heals all” is a truism – feelings change.  The fact of impermanence holds for everything; nothing lasts forever, including thoughts, feelings, emotions, and moods.  Don’t latch on to them and they will dissipate all on their own: what was anger-inducing at 9am will be but a mildly-annoying memory by 3pm and completely out of mind by tomorrow.

Becoming the Observer of Our Feelings

To become the observer of our feelings (rather than letting ourselves become their unwitting victim), the following steps are suggested:

  1. Meditate daily because this teaches us to notice, in this instance to notice how we’re feeling moment-to-moment.   Through meditation practice we sensitize ourselves to the first signs of emotional distress, giving us a fighting chance to respond differently, to respond better, than we have in the past.
  2. Slow down your mind’s whirlwind of thoughts at the first signs of agitation because this shuts down the reactive part of your brain (the amygdala) and activates the wisely-responsive part (the prefrontal cortex).
  3. Pause before acting because this saves us from saying and doing really stupid things!

By following these steps we separate stimulus (i.e. the emotion) from action, giving ourselves just that little extra bit of time to ease up and engage with life in a more intelligent manner.

If we don’t practice these steps – noticing, slowing down our thinking, and pausing before acting – we fall instead into evolutionary-default-mode. 

In this mode we react instinctively, habitually, and unthinkingly.  And if this combination doesn’t sound like the path of wisdom, you’d be right!

“It all comes through learning to pause for just a moment and not doing the same thing again and again out of impulse.  Simply to pause instead of immediately filling up the space transforms us.”

Pema Chodron

Slowing Down the Mind

So, how do we slow down our mind when it’s whirling with emotion?  How do we catch ourselves in time before we do or say something we later regret?

Well, one simple means is by practicing PBS: Pause, Breathe, Smile.

  • Pause – at the first sign of emotional turmoil, stop whatever you’re doing and turn your attention inward, to the feelings in your body, in particular scanning for areas of muscle tightness, and softening them.  Here I imagine my muscles to be like wax melting ever so slowly under a gentle heat.  Turning your focus inward in this manner re-directs your attention away from what’s troubling you, kills the stress reaction, and puts a halt to any whiny thinking.
  • Breathe – breathe slowly and deeply two to three times (in to the count of four, hold for seven, and exhale to the count of eight, with eyes closed if feasible), while continuing to soften any areas of tightness.  This activates your calming parasympathetic nervous system, shutting down the stress reaction.
  • Smile – smiling, even if forced, stimulates the release of helpful hormones (i.e. serotonin – calming, dopamine – pleasure, and endorphins – natural pain killer) and banishes the life-sucking seriousness that accompanies emotional upset.  The simple act of smiling helps you regain perspective. 

With regular mindfulness practice we can train ourselves to dis-identify with how we’re  feeling and, instead, simply observe our emotions, moods, and feelings with kindness and compassion. 

Mentally, we may even call them out, “Ah, hello anxiety.  I see you.”  Bringing them into conscious awareness in this manner slows down our thinking, stops our mind from spinning out of control, and helps us deal with troubling thoughts wisely rather than be subsumed by them.  

In the resulting calmer state of mind our actions are inevitably wiser because we’re able to tap into the higher-order executive functioning of our brain’s prefrontal cortex rather than its lower-order reactive amygdala.

“Thus, by becoming more and more familiar with the mechanisms of the mind and by cultivating mindfulness, you will reach the point where you no longer let sparks of nascent emotions turn into forest fires that can destroy your own happiness and that of others.”

Matthieu Ricard

Attaining Psychological Freedom

Daily mindfulness meditation practice trains us to be non-judgmental observers of our senses, thoughts, feelings, emotions, and moods – simply letting them be and noting them with kindness and compassion.

In this manner, we free ourselves from the self-inflicted mental anguish we otherwise bring upon ourselves.

“You are the sky.  The clouds are what happens, what comes and goes.”

Eckhart Tolle, author of “The Power of Now“

Warmest wishes,

Rob @ Living a Mindful Life

“I am not the endless chatter in my head.  I am the me who recognizes that chatter is happening.  I am not the me who is impatient in the grocery line or at the stoplight.  I am the me who recognizes and acknowledges that impatience. 

If I take a breath and change the chatter to “This is me waiting calmly”, that is what the experience becomes.  Practising this simple awareness allows me to be present in all moments, to fully inhabit my life.”

Richard Wagamese, Canadian First Nations author and journalist (1955-2017) from his book, “Embers – One Ojibway’s Meditations“

 

  

Life in the Slow Lane

“Slow isn’t a speed, it’s a state of mind.”

Anonymous

Why Are We in Such a Hurry?

Have you ever noticed just how joyless life feels when you’re in a hurry?  And it’s joyless because this is how it makes us feel: 

When rushing we are grumpy, agitated, self-centered, impatient, judgmental, humorless, intolerant, narrow-minded, mistake-prone, careless, quick to anger, easily frustrated, stressed, overwhelmed, and biased toward perceiving life negatively.  

In short, rushing turns life into a struggle; every impediment, no matter how minor, feels like a major obstacle thwarting our plans.

Given how miserable rushing makes us feel, why are we in such a hurry?

Because We Choose To Be

It was yet another beautifully-warm sunny day in Tobago when my wife and I, basking in the joy of our honeymoon, ventured into a general store in search of some much-needed sun screen. 

Staff, friends, and locals were all hanging about, smiling, laughing, chatting – having a wonderful time – but dammit, no one was coming over to serve us! 

My wife and I looked at each other in disbelief wondering what the heck was wrong with these people?  Can’t they see that there are paying customers waiting for them to do their job?  Can’t they see that they’re wasting our time!  

Feeling a sense of righteous indignation, I approached one of the staff to ask for service.  In a friendly, polite tone she informed me that it was break time.

“Is everyone on break at the same time?” I inquired.  “Yes sir” came the reply, “It’s break time.  We’ll be back in about fifteen minutes.”

“Food and grocery shopping in Tobago is an experience that will either bring extreme frustration or a huge smile to your face. Allow lots of time. Shopping on Tobago is not something that can be hurried. Tobago time operates in a different dimension and “hurrying” is a guaranteed way of raising blood pressure and creating tension.”

Source: https://www.mytobago.info/shopping.php

Ah, vital life lesson learned – hurrying is a choice! 

Who knew!  After all, back home in Canada we all rush around like mad fools much of the time, so I reasonably assumed that this was just the way life is.

Well, it’s not. 

Rushing, hurrying, and impatience are a choice.  Just because all those around you are losing their heads doesn’t mean you have to lose yours too.  You can step off the proverbial gerbil treadmill if you so choose. 

“For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.”

Lily Tomlin, American comedian

Not that this will be easy mind you.  After all, in North America at least (if not Tobago!), we’ve conditioned each other to believe that rushing around is normal – expected almost. 

And if you disagree, then just try doing the speed limit one day to see how many frantic drivers are on your tail looking to pass at the first opportunity, often at the risk of life and limb.

“Rushing doesn’t save time, it just rearranges it.”

Anonymous

Slow is a State of Mind, Not a Speed

Here’s the good news; speed on its own is not the problem. You don’t have to move like an old man to live life in the slow lane. You can still move or work with alacrity without triggering that awful feeling of being in a hurry.

So when does fast turn into rushing? When you become fixated on the future, wanting whatever you’re doing in the present moment to end so you can get to some future state.

For example, let’s say it’s your turn to cook supper, something you don’t particularly enjoy. Given this situation, what are you likely to do?  Well, if you’re like most people, you will probably try to rush through it, likely grumbling about it the entire time.  

But therein lies the problem. You’re stuck in the present moment (in this instance, having to cook) but wanting to be in the future (perhaps watching TV or reading a good book, pretty much anything other than having to prepare a meal).

In this manner you turn the present moment into an obstacle and make yourself miserable in the process.

“Stress is caused by being ‘here’ but wanting to be ‘there’.

Eckhart Tolle, author of “The Power of Now”

But here’s the thing – you can’t get to that, or any, future moment except by living through a string of present moments. Rushing to get anywhere is what “wishing your life away” is all about.  And there’s a very good reason we’re cautioned not to do so – because life is precious – too precious to waste in a state of unconscious agitation.

The simple fact is that life doesn’t happen in the future, life happens in the now.

Sensing When We’re Rushing 

How can we tell when fast is turning into rushing?  Whenever we start to feel frantic and impatient. 

And we all know that feeling – our muscles tighten, our focus narrows, our five senses dull, we lose our sense of humor, and a life-sucking seriousness sets in.   

These are our cues to slow down.

How to Slow Down

Whenever you catch yourself starting to rush, try P.B.S. – Pause, Breathe, Smile.

  1. Pausing means to momentarily stop doing and simply be.  This helps break our fixation on the future.
  2. Deep slow breathing coupled with conscious muscle relaxation triggers our calming parasympathetic nervous system, shutting down our stress response.  
  3. Smiling terminates our seriousness and helps us regain proper perspective.
The Low Down on Slow Down

Aside from dispensing with the angst brought on by rushing, there are many other beneficial reasons for choosing to live life in the slow lane.  Here are a few:

You’ll Live Longer and Better

Feeling rushed triggers our stress system – it tricks our body into thinking we’re in danger and so need to physically flee.  But there’s nothing to flee from, it’s just us thinking our way into a snit.

So, if you’re always rushing, then you’re always stressed.

But here’s the thing, chronic stress reduces life expectancy.  So, if you want to die sooner rather than later, rush.  Rushing through life literally does rush you through life!

And if stress doesn’t kill you then there’s a good chance it’s going to make you seriously ill or worsen an existing condition.  Depression, cancer, and cardiovascular disease are but three illnesses linked to stress.

You’ll Live Longer Even if You Don’t Live Longer

Because rushing renders us unconscious we miss out on much of our life.  Think of all those present moments that pass by unnoticed, unremarked, and unappreciated.

Life’s small joys become invisible to us when we’re rushing.  Simply put, if we don’t slow down sufficiently to even notice that there are roses, what hope do we have of actually smelling them? 

“The trail is the thing, not the end of the trail. Travel too fast, and you miss all you are traveling for.”

Louis L’Amour, American novelist (b 1908)

“One of the great ironies of life is that the more one rushes to save time, the more living time one loses to the fog of unconsciousness.”

Anonymous

Slowing down to appreciate life’s small joys increases our lived life even if it adds not one single second to our physical time on this earth.

You’ll be Wiser

The brain’s locus of executive functioning is the prefrontal cortex (PFC), located just behind the forehead.   It plays a key role in things like impulse control, emotional control, and creative thinking, all part and parcel of what we refer to as wisdom.

But here’s the thing – the PFC goes offline under stress.   Because rushing triggers our stress response, when you’re feeling hurried you lose access to your innate wisdom – you become impulsive, emotional, and struggle to come up with creative solutions to whatever challenges you may be facing.

So, if you wish to be the best you at all times you’ve got to learn how to slow down and become present at the first sign of internal angst.  Once calmed, wisdom comes back online.

You’ll Have Greater Patience

Rushing breeds impatience which is the antithesis of being mindful.  It is not for nothing that patience is considered a virtue.

“Why is patience so important?  Because it makes us pay attention.”

Paulo Coelho, Brazilian novelist

You’ll Respond to Life Rather Than React to It

Slowing down the mind provides just that extra little bit of time to catch ourselves before we say or do something in the heat of the moment that we later regret.  

Living life in the slow lane provides the opportunity to respond intelligently to life rather than react to it unthinkingly.

You’ll Be a Nicer Person

As referenced above, rushing tends to turn us into decidedly unpleasant individuals, easily agitated, quick to anger, and not a whole lot of fun to be around.  

Slowing down directly counters this, helping us to be kinder, gentler, more easy going, and less easily thrown off balance.  

In this more balanced frame of mind we are better placed to contribute to the world’s peace rather than add to its aggression.

“When the mind is going too fast, it is impossible to be sensitive to the needs of others.”

Eknath Easwaran, author of “Take Your Time – The Wisdom of Slowing Down“

Unpleasant Moments Will Seem to Pass By Faster

One of the functions handled by the left hemisphere of the brain is the conscious awareness of the passing of time.  Conversely, the right hemisphere is not time aware.

Meditation has been found to preferentially activate the right side of the brain.  Therefore, to the extent that slowing down fosters a meditative state, time passes faster. 

This is one possible explanation behind the saying, “Time flies when you’re having fun”.  Having fun promotes a focus on the present moment leading to a relaxed, meditative state.  With the right side of the brain activated we temporarily lose the ability to judge the passage of time – four hours of fun seem to pass by in minutes. 

Back to our cooking example.  By trying to rush through it you inadvertently activate the left side of your brain and so become ultra-sensitive to the passage of time – preparing supper seems to take an eternity.

On the other hand, if you slow down and just focus on the task at hand (thus fostering a calm, meditative state) the right hemisphere of your brain will be activated – supper preparation will seem to take less time than it actually did.

You’ll See Reality More Clearly

As discussed in this post, the ancient part of our brain, the amygdala, functions wonderfully to keep us safe from potential danger by triggering our stress response, preparing us to fight or flee in a matter of milliseconds. 

However, the tradeoff for this quickness is inaccuracy – think policeman mistaking a submarine sandwich for a gun (yes, this has actually happened, with deadly consequences).  

Slowing down provides two major benefits:

  1. We see reality with greater clarity and so can respond more appropriately.
  2. By calming our mind we turn off our reactionary amygdala and switch on our wiser prefrontal cortex.  As a result, creative solutions to life’s challenges come more readily to mind.  In addition, we’re less impulsive and better able to avoid getting caught up in pointless drama.
Kinetic Energy = Mass x Velocity Squared

In North America at least, society has decided that the maximum speed limits posted on our highways and byways are to be taken as the minimum speeds everyone is expected to do. 

But, as Sir Isaac Newton’s classical equations show us, going faster has serious implications; in short, speed kills.

Take an average passenger car weighing 4000 pounds.  If it’s involved in a collision with another vehicle, how much more destructive force comes into play at 120 kph versus 100 kph (i.e. a 20% increase in speed)?

  • 4000 lbs x 100 kph x 100 kph = 40 million
  • 4000 lbs x 120 kph x 120 kph = 57.6 million

In other words, a 20% increase in speed results in a 44% increase in destructive energy.  Push this to 130 kph and the extra force involved is almost 70% greater.

To no surprise, the risk of death increases exponentially with an increase in speed, and this despite what appear to be relatively modest differences in vehicle velocity.

When it comes to driving, slowing down really does mean slowing down, for reasons too obvious to state. 

Eating Will Be More Than Simply Fueling Up

Eating our meals slowly delivers a number of benefits:

  1. Eating is one of the great joys of life, one that is enhanced materially if we slow down enough to savor the flavor (along with temperature, texture, aroma, and other enjoyable sensations). 
  2. For those of us with weight issues, eating more slowly may also help with weight loss.  How so?  Well, it’s been found that it takes the body about twenty minutes to register being full.  So if you wolf your meal down in ten minutes, there’s a good chance you’ll end up eating beyond the point of fullness because you’ve not given your body sufficient time to let you know that it’s had enough.
  3. Meals are more than food intake, they’re very often social events as well.  Slowing down creates more time to enjoy the social aspect of eating.
  4. Slowing down leads to chewing longer which, by reducing the size of food chunks that must be dealt with by the stomach, helps ward off indigestion.  Slowing down also leads to reduced air intake into the digestive tract, which not only minimizes the chance of indigestion but heartburn as well.
  5. Eating slowly increases nutrient intake:  more nutrition without more calories.
You’ll Make Fewer Errors

There’s a reason someone came up with the saying, “Haste makes waste“.  Enough said!

Your Life Smooths Out

As mentioned above, rushing turns most everything into an obstacle, one more frustrating impediment thwarting our efforts to finish what we’re doing so we can get on to our next task.

But when you slow down and choose instead to move at the speed of life, letting it unfold in its own time with patience and acceptance, things magically smooth out and life ceases to feel like a struggle.

Choosing Slow Means Choosing a Life Philosophy 

Choosing to live life in the slow lane is to consciously adopt a guiding set of principles, a clear philosophy by which you intend to live your life. 

The goal behind slowing down is to lead a peaceful life, a goal I personally  believe to be of the highest order.

In the absence of a guiding philosophy we necessarily succumb to our default settings – primitive instincts and the mindless adoption of cultural norms, neither of which necessarily serve our best interests except through happenstance.

If living a peaceful life strikes you as a reasonable philosophy, one that is preferable to the rat race most of us currently endure, then it’s time to take charge and make the change.  

Welcome to life in the slow lane!

Warmest wishes,

Rob @ Living a Mindful Life

Mindful Grieving

 

“One foot in front of the other, over and over again

Until a new normal dawns

And a future you’d not expected

gradually reveals itself.”

Anonymous

Mindful Grieving

I write these opening words while listening to our Lucy’s labored breathing and episodic coughing (she the non-tail-biting one pictured above, the other being our little Molly), this caused by fluid build-up around her 14-year-old heart. 

This morning I had to carry her out to her regular pooping spot on the  vacant lot across the street as she just couldn’t summon the strength to get there on her own.  How quickly she has deteriorated!

Where she used to feel solid in my arms, muscles well-formed and taut from regular exercise, today they felt like a soft sponge, giving way to my supporting arms with no resistance whatsoever. 

For the moment she appears to be comfortable enough as she lies on her bed beside me, but stares aimlessly ahead.  Every now and then she glances up at me with those old deep-brown eyes of hers, eyes that seem to hold the question – what’s happening to me dad?

What’s happening is that Lucy, our sometimes-infuriating, ever the intellectually-challenged, but oh-so-lovable Westhighland terrier is dying – and I miss her already.

Applied Mindfulness 

How do we deal with such pain?  How do we deal with the loss of those who have brought so much joy into our lives?

Fortunately, mindfulness has some answers:

  • Meditation for calming a troubled mind.
  • Meditation for reflecting on the nature of impermanence.
  • Meditation for overcoming isolation.
  • Gratitude practice to maintain perspective.
  • Mindfulness teachings on the nature of thought.
Shamatha Meditation – Calming the Mind

As discussed here, there are two main types of meditation – shamatha for building concentration (typically through sustained focus on the breath) and vipassana for gaining clearer insight into the human condition.

Mindfulness teaches that a wandering mind is an anxious mind. Shamatha meditation helps us overcome this by strengthening our ability to focus attention on the present moment. 

This is particularly relevant to the process of grieving when our mind tends to dwell on the past and fret about an unknowable, uncertain future.  

Vipassana Meditation – Reflecting on Impermanence

The Buddha taught that all living things experience pain, that pain is simply a part of life and so cannot be escaped. 

Impermanence is one form of pain, this being the truism that everything in the universe – absolutely everything – is in constant flux and that nothing lasts forever.

We know this intellectually of course, yet still rail against the unfairness and cruelty of its implications – that loved ones die. 

Vipassana meditation provides an avenue to reflect on the truth of impermanence and, thereby, come to terms with its implications.  

In short, looking the inevitability of death straight in the eye rather than averting our gaze provides a measure of calm acceptance and comforting solace.

Tonglen Meditation – Overcoming Isolation 

Tonglen practice turns on its head our habit of turning inward at times of grief, times when we tend to dwell almost exclusively  on our own personal loss and sorrow. 

Instead, Tonglen teaches us to reflect on the fact that millions of others, right now, just like us, are also suffering the loss of a loved one – a spouse, a child, a friend, a parent, a beloved pet … 

And, upon such reflection, Tonglen advises us to breathe in this collective pain, shouldering it fully in our mind’s eye, and then to breathe out to this community, connected by mutual grief, all the compassion and desire for relief from suffering that we can muster.  

Is Tonglen practice actually going to provide relief to the multitude?  Probably not.  But it does elicit an expansion of our otherwise circumscribed, isolated, and lonely perspective on life after a loss. 

By reminding us of our shared humanity, by teaching us to open up to loss rather than shut down, Tonglen practice helps soften the edges of our hurt.

Gratitude 

Grief can cause us to lose perspective, scattering our attention over all manner of concerns.  Soon life seems a struggle with overwhelming challenges seemingly everywhere.

Gratitude practice, reflecting on all we still have to be thankful for, serves as a useful counterweight to such unhelpful thinking. 

Grieving Positively – Remembering the Nature of Thought

We know we’re grieving positively when positive feelings arise whenever we bring our loved ones to mind, feelings such as gratitude for having had the privilege of knowing them intimately, or joy in remembering the wonderful times spent together. 

On the other hand, we know we’re grieving negatively when negative feelings arise – wishing pointlessly that they were still around or fearing a future without their support, counsel, and companionship.

Now I fully appreciate that for many this guidance will sound totally wrongheaded, cold even.  In our society it’s the norm to dwell in deep sadness for a considerable length of time after a loved one’s death. But the existence of a norm doesn’t mean it’s beneficial or the best option available.  

In fact, the existence of our current normal for intense, prolonged sadness should be no more surprising than observing that it’s normal for a beginning tennis player to hit the ball into the net most of the time. 

What’s lacking in both instances?  Practice.

In the absence of mind training (via regular exposure to mindfulness teachings and daily meditation) there’s a near zero chance of rising above our evolutionary programming, and that programming clearly dictates prolonged, intense sadness. 

But why?  One theory is that at the dawn of our arrival as a species tens of thousands of years ago, such intense sadness was a potentially life-saving signal to the tribe that you need help.  But why should this still apply to us today?  

In the final analysis we need to remember that emotions are driven by our thoughts and that thoughts arise inside us; they’re not forced upon us by outside circumstances.

As a result, we always get to choose whether to remember our loved ones with a peaceful, joyful mind or an anxious, depressed mind. 

But this assumes regular mindfulness practice in order to even have this choice.  In the absence of such practice, it is difficult to see how one could expect anything other than our usual evolutionary default – prolonged emotional distress.

It’s Okay to be Happy While Grieving

Perhaps it’s a cultural thing; after all, the Irish do seem to handle death better than most with their celebratory wakes.  

But for the rest of us, does there not seem to be some measure of guilt, an inappropriateness even, to expressing joy while simultaneously grieving the loss of a loved one?

But what exactly is the point of putting on a sad face just to play a cultural role?  Absolutely nothing to my way of thinking.

Being open to moments of happiness and joy in the midst of grieving helps soften the blow of loss, keeping us in the present moment and reminding us that the good, the bad, and the indifferent are all just part of life.

And in the final analysis, life after loss keeps rolling on, just along a different path.

Warmest wishes,

Rob @ Living a Mindful Life

Epilogue – Goodbye to Our Lucy

After a long, unsettled night overhearing poor Lucy’s labored breathing, Lynda and I made the difficult but compassionate decision to relieve her of her distress and discomfort.

While rubbing her furry little ears one last time, our Lucy was put to rest at 10:40am on the morning of Saturday, September 21st, 2019.  

 

 

How to See

What, is this a joke?!  What sort of silly topic is this, “How to See”?!!

You want to see something?  No problem – just open your eyes and, voila: seeing!

Well, no actually, that’s not seeing – that’s just looking.

“Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.”

Confucius, Chinese philosopher, 551-479 BC

Looking, Seeing – What’s the Difference?

Looking is merely a mechanical process:

  1. Light is reflected off an object. 
  2. That reflected light enters your eye.
  3. The lens in your eye focuses the light on to your retina.
  4. Your retina converts the light to an electrochemical signal.  
  5. Neurons carry that signal to your brain.
  6. Your brain translates the signal into a 3D image; a depiction of what’s “out there”.

However, there are two additional steps missing from this chain of events to turn looking into seeing:

  1. Conscious awareness.
  2. Focus of attention.

Conscious Awareness

The first thing that makes looking different from seeing is conscious awareness of the brain’s depiction of what’s “out there”.

For example, let’s say you’re hiking along a quiet wooded trail with your young daughter.  She’s enraptured by the many butterflies, chipmunks, squirrels, woodpeckers, blue jays, and other assorted critters along the route. 

In stark contrast, you notice none of these wonders, your attention instead fixated on a difficult issue you face at work.   Even though you’re looking at the same scene as your daughter you see virtually none of it.  With your mind elsewhere, it simply doesn’t register in your conscious awareness. 

In this manner, whenever we lack presence, we don’t actually see or appreciate our immediate surroundings.  The many small joys of life completely pass us by.

Focus of Attention

To simplify communication we developed the useful practice of assigning names to things – car, building, cake, Uncle Joe.  This makes conversation so much easier because we don’t have to describe each object we’re talking about:  “the metal thing with four rubber wheels that moves when the pedal inside the occupant-chamber is depressed ….”.  

So far, so useful.

But problems begin when, after repeated encounters with the same object, we limit our experience of that object to just its superficial name. 

An example will help clarify what I’m getting at here. 

So, we arrive at work and see the same office building we’ve toiled away in for the past eight years.  If it registers in our consciousness at all it’s merely as “the office building where I work”.  We look at it but do not see it.

But let’s put ourselves in the shoes of a new-hire encountering that same building for the very first time.  What do they take note of?  Just “the office building where I now work”?

Probably not.  Because the building is a novelty to them they likely take conscious notice of the building’s overall shape, the colour of its walls, the pattern of its windows, the scent of the flowers bordering its entrance, and dozens of other  features about their new environment.  They actually see it!

What’s going on here is the exact same thing that makes travel to a new locale seem so much more interesting than life back home.

The objects and places you encounter every day have become so familiar to you that they no longer warrant close examination – you have become blind to their opportunities for joy and deeper insight.  

In short, if all we ever do is look, then familiarity can indeed breed contempt.

True seeing, then, takes mindfulness: consciously engaging our senses to actually notice our surroundings.

But What is There to Notice – It’s Just a Boring Building!

Yes, if you limit your experience of an object to just its superficial label (“the office building where I work”), viewing it all in one go, you may indeed find it boring and not worthy of your conscious attention or consideration.

But there is another way to view the world, a better way in my opinion, that brings the seemingly routine parts of our world to life again.  I refer to this way of seeing as “going into photography mode“.

Going Into Photography Mode

When I first took an interest in photography I mistakenly thought that good camera gear was the key to good photos.  But I was completely wrong.  In actual fact, the equipment deployed has virtually nothing to do with it.  

So what does?  The ability to SEE!

“Photography is an art of observation.  It’s about finding something interesting in an ordinary place.  It has little to do with the things you see and everything to do with how you see them.”

Elliott Erwitt, photographer

How to See

“Going into photography mode” means to change the way you view the world around you.

Instead of seeing your surroundings in terms of objects, each with a familiar name, in photography mode we view them in terms of their components and overall feel:

  • lines
  • curves
  • shapes
  • intersections
  • colours
  • textures
  • patterns
  • symmetry
  • shades of light and dark
  • reflections
  • contrasts
  • emotional impact

Seeing the world in these terms necessitates mindful noticing – looking beyond the familiar objects before you and, instead, looking at them with renewed curiosity in terms of these components.  In many cases you are looking inside the everyday to see past their familiar exterior.

That “Boring” Office Building

So, back to that seemingly-boring office building. Instead of seeing “just a building”, someone in photography mode may take note of:

  • Reflections in the windows.
  • Shadows slanting across the building’s exterior.
  • The texture of the brick.
  • The exterior’s warm glow in the late-day sun.
  • The apparent convergence of the exterior walls when viewed from below.
  • A lone light in an otherwise dark building.

Here’s an example of what I’m talking about, this a photo I took of a farm house near my home.  On the face of it this scene could be considered rather non-descript; until looked at in photography mode.  In other words, when looked at mindfully!

Here are some of the components that compelled me to take this photo:

  • Notice the many triangles:  1) The road.  2) The bottom right corner of the road bordered by its median line.   3) The front yard.   4) The triangle formed by an imaginary line drawn across the tops of the trees + along their base + the right edge of the photo.  5) The roof peak.  6) The mass of cloud on the right of the picture, again drawing an imaginary line across its top edge.  7) The snow banks.
  • The symmetry created by the parallel lines formed by the trees, home, telephone pole, and silo. 
  • To my eye, the trees at the entrance to the driveway lend a menacing presence, their branches seemingly reaching out to grab incautious passersby.
  • The contrast of the black and white components.  
  • The contrasting textures of the smooth road and sky vs. the front fence and yard. 
  • To my eye there’s an eeriness about this scene, I believe due in part to its inhospitable starkness and absence of life.

Looked at mindfully, a scene surely unnoticed and unremarked by many, becomes one of compelling interest.

“The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself”

Henry Miller, American writer (b 1891)

For other examples, do check out the photos on my Flickr site.  As you assess them, take particular note of how the components listed above work together to render them interesting (well, hopefully interesting)!   🙂

Noticing is Mindfulness!

Living each day in “photography mode” is a wonderful way of making your way through life because, in doing so, you cannot help but be mindful.  Noticing is mindfulness!

Why?  Because the act of noticing keeps us in the present moment, the only moment where life actually happens.  And when we live in the present moment – when mind and body are in the same place at the same time – that’s when we’re happiest.

Think of it this way – if your mind is always focused on noticing the world around you, really seeing it and engaging with it, you can’t also be fussing over the past, fretting about the future, or wasting your life in spaced-out fantasy.

I truly hope that you see what I mean!  (awful pun sadly intended  🙂 ) 

Warmest wishes,

Rob @ Living a Mindful Life

Work – Life Balance

“Before capitalism, most people did not work very long hours at all. The tempo of life was slow, even leisurely; the pace of work relaxed. Our ancestors may not have been rich, but they had an abundance of leisure. When capitalism raised their incomes, it also took away their time.”
Juliet Schor, author of “The Overworked American: The Unexpected Decline of Leisure”

I consider myself very fortunate to have been in the employ of a very caring company for the final 22 years of my career as a personal financial advisor.  I felt listened to, supported, respected, and appreciated.

None of this, however, left me immune to the challenges of work-life balance.  Despite already being a seasoned advisor at the time I joined the company in 1997, I struggled to keep up with the heavy workload. 

As a result I found myself staying later than desired most weeknights and going back into the office on many a weekend.

After enduring a year of this with no end in sight, I realized that something had to change, because:

  1. I was begrudging the extra time spent at the office.  Time I would have preferred to have spent with my spouse or engaged in my favorite leisure activities was being curtailed to fit in more time at work. 
  2. My job satisfaction was waning, and this despite truly loving my advisory role.
  3. Despite being a generally happy, easy-going individual,  I found myself feeling bitter and humorless. 

Of course, my story is hardly unique.  Indeed, for most Canadians and much of the rest of the world, this has become the norm.

For example, in a comprehensive 2012 study of 25,000 working Canadians it was found that:

  • the typical employee works more than 50 hours per week, this representing an extra full day of work each week.
  • 54% took work home with them to do in the evening and/or on weekends.
  • the typical employee spends an hour each non-work day checking work-related email.

And this pace is leisurely compared to work-life balance in the Chinese tech industry where ‘996’ work regimes are currently the norm, this being a start time of 9am, a finish time of 9pm, and six days a week spent at the office.  

Of course, all of this extra time working comes with serious consequences.

The Hazards of Working Too Many Hours

Beyond job dissatisfaction and less time to devote to life’s many joys and passions, chronic overtime can have very serious physical and mental health implications:

  • Mental burnout.
  • Significantly-increased risk of developing cardiovascular disease.
  • Working long days leaves less time for sleep and can also impair sleep quality.  Lack of sleep can result in reduced productivity, impaired judgment, increased irritability, increased risk of high blood pressure and other chronic diseases such as diabetes, a compromised immune system, increased risk of fatigue-induced accidents, increased risk of anxiety and depression, and weight gain. 
  • Increased stress (with all of the hazards this entails).
  • Vision problems (typically from staring at a computer screen for too long).
  • Impaired cognitive performance.
  • Too much sitting at a desk increases the risk of back problems, cancer, heart disease (irrespective of maintaining an exercise regimen), chronic illnesses like high blood pressure and diabetes, dementia in later life, and varicose veins.
When Long Hours Don’t Impact Work-Life Balance

A distinction needs to be made between two categories of overtime:

  1. The extra work we do because we want to.
  2. The extra work we do because we feel we have to.

I personally toiled thousands of extra hours over my career delving into investment journals and creating my own financial planning tools, not because it was expected or because I felt obligated to do it or because it increased my income – I just found it fascinating and professionally rewarding.  As a result, it wasn’t a burden to me and so not a work-life balance issue. 

Of course, many willingly toil well beyond a 40-hour week for other reasons, such as:

  • They truly love what they do.  Work is more akin to play than to work.
  • Their income is directly linked to hours worked and the extra money means more to them than extra leisure.
  • They have performance targets and believe that long hours will help them reach those targets and so enhance their annual bonus, again the extra money meaning more to them than extra leisure.
  • They believe that being seen working long hours enhances their status within the company – a ‘team player’ – perhaps leading to future promotions.
  • It’s an expected part of the job at their firm and they accepted this fact going in.
  • They have few outside interests so work is pretty much it for them.
  • Their family life is a disaster so it’s better being at work.

Therefore, willingly working long hours is not the problem, it’s the work we grudgingly feel we have to do that upsets the apple cart of work-life balance.

Why is There Always More Work to Do Than Time to Do It?

Before we get to this question, let me make it clear that this post assumes employee and managerial competency:

  • Well-trained, motivated staff who know how to do their jobs efficiently and have been provided the necessary tools to do it.
  • Competent managers who limit their roles primarily to providing clear guidance on expected results, removing any pointless roadblocks that impede achievement of those results, and then getting out of the way to let their people get on with it.

So, with these points taken as a given, what are some of the key reasons we never have enough time to complete all our assigned tasks?

Two are often cited:  1) Office productivity killers.  2) Unrealistic workloads. 

Productivity Killers  

Certainly the impairment of productivity is an important and widespread issue.  Tragically, this often involves self-inflicted wounds that cumulatively conspire to decimate workplace productivity, such as:

  • Open-concept office noise and distractions.
  • Interruptions by colleagues.
  • Email diarrhea.
  • Meetings, meetings, meetings, …

Without doubt these do impede getting one’s actual work done in the time allotted, but are not responsible for poor work-life balance.

Unrealistic Workloads

In short, unrealistic workloads are inevitable.

Why so?  Because organizations need to keep costs under control to ensure their survival.  No company wants excess staff on its payroll, so efficiency dictates that head count always be kept just below what is actually required.

Simply put, if your competition can make the same product as you do at a lower cost by being more productive – doing more with less – then they could end up putting you out of business.

CEOs spend much of their time worrying about this very issue – how to marshal resources in the most efficient way to seize opportunities and maximize profit.

But it’s not just publicly-listed and other for-profit companies that are impacted. Even not-for-profit organizations face pressure to deliver value-for-money to clients, funding bodies, and donors.

In other words, where competition exists, survival of the fittest applies pressure on firms to do more with less. 

On the other hand, in the absence of competition (e.g. unionized public sector positions) there is some evidence that employees tend to have better work-life balance, generally working to  fixed schedules (and quitting times) and putting in less overtime than private sector employees.  Anecdotal evidence, in the form of personal friends working in the Canadian public sector, supports this finding.

So, neither workload nor productivity impediments are to blame

What this means is that, where competition exists, even if we all suddenly became that much more productive, either head count would shrink or work demands would expand to fill the time saved – the problem of work-life balance would remain firmly intact.  

My own experience corroborates this. I got my first full-time job back in 1980, a time when neither desk-top computers nor email yet existed, both unquestionably boons to productivity.

However, their widespread adoption (computers in the mid-80s and email in the early 90s) failed to banish work-life balance issues.  Indeed, the term ‘work-life balance’ really didn’t make into the lexicon until the late 80s, making this a clear case of productivity-enhancers rendering the workplace more onerous, not less.

Smart phones are another case in point.  Wonderful tools for productive communication and information access but with the insidious downside of being able to remain work-connected 24/7 and the implicit expectation that comes with this.  Is it any surprise that, in its day, the once-popular Blackberry was only half-jokingly known as the “Crackberry” for its addictive powers.

And as for staff numbers adjusting to economic reality, I was a mining engineer at the time of the 1981 recession and a financial advisor at the time of the 2008 financial crisis.  In both instances, as profit declined, staff were fired to bring costs back in line with revenues – but the workload didn’t decrease. 

So, no, productivity issues are not at the root of the work-life balance issue and corporate survival ensures that workload will always exceed staff capacity to complete all of it.

Why Do We Grudgingly Work So Much?

So, faced with more work than can realistically be done in a normal work day, why do we feel compelled to try to get all our work done knowing it’s an impossible goal? 

I believe there is only one reason – fear – both corporate and personal:  corporations fear being competed out of business and individuals fear  being competed out of a job.

The Work-Life Dilemma

Because of these fears, resolving the work-life balance issue is akin to resolving the nuclear arms issue – no company and no employee wants to be the first to cut back hours because they believe they will be put at a disadvantage.

It is for this reason that employers are conflicted when it comes to this issue: having their staff put in extra hours for no extra pay helps them do more for no extra cost, but not taking work-life balance seriously can make it hard to attract and retain quality employees.

Little surprise then that employers tend to send mixed messages, espousing work-life balance on one hand while generally turning a blind eye to its absence in practice.

But employees also feel conflicted, desperately wanting work-life balance but fearing they’ll be sacked if they try to make it happen.

Indeed, I witnessed this type of fear first-hand during the closing years of my career. Some of my colleagues, though putting in significant overtime, chose not to submit requests for validly-earned overtime pay for fear of being seen as the only one unable to keep up with the workload – no one wanted to be the first-mover. 

So, What’s the Solution?

What, then, will it take to eliminate this scourge on working life? 

Because of it’s near-global presence, it is clear that work-life balance is a societal issue, and such issues typically only get resolved if enough brave individuals begin to stand up for themselves and demand change. 

Their example can quickly unleash a tidal wave of support when the issue they agitate against touches so many lives, as work-life balance does. 

This is how brutal autocrats worldwide are toppled and decency brought back into blighted societies. And it is how common-place work-life balance will eventually be achieved: through individual effort snowballing into widespread cultural change. 

And It’s Already Happening!

The good news is that some enlightened societies, like the European Union and the Scandinavian countries, have already decided that enough’s enough and so have imposed legislation to soften the impact of capitalism.

This is reflected in the list below that shows the average number of hours worked per year in 2021 by full-time employees in various countries: 

  • 2300      China
  • 1970      South Korea
  • 1790      U.S.A.
  • 1690      Canada
  • 1610       Japan
  • 1520      Finland
  • 1490      France
  • 1440      Sweden
  • 1360      Denmark
  • 1350      Germany

Remarkably, as outlined in this article, despite already posting the lowest annual working hours among OECD countries, German companies are having to become even more beneficent toward their employees as cultural and demographic changes (i.e. a declining number of working-age people – a near-worldwide occurrence) increasingly shift bargaining power to employees and so push work-life balance high up the agenda of job-seekers. 

Even China’s downtrodden tech workers are speaking up against their punishingly-long hours. 

So, change can happen, but until then, it’s up to you to speak up for yourself.

It’s up to You, and You, and You, ….   

Mr. Kai-Fu Lee (one of China’s best-known entrepreneurs and former President of Google China) recently revealed his lymphoma diagnosis in a message to his 50 million followers on Sina Weibo. But what has resonated far wider is his repudiation of the work-comes-first mentality that drives so many Chinese business people.

“It’s only now, when I’m suddenly faced with possibly losing 30 years of life, that I’ve been able to calm down and reconsider,” wrote the 52-year-old founder and CEO.

Excerpted from Todayonline magazine, 15 Sept 2013

Sadly, it often takes just such a tragic circumstance to get us to re-evaluate what’s truly important in our lives, wake up to the self-inflicted insanity we have brought upon ourselves, and regain balance. 

But here’s the rub – we don’t need an excuse.  If we can do it under tragic circumstances like this, we can do it any time we choose.

And therein lies the solution: 

Work-life balance is a choice – our choice, our collective choice – but it all starts with You.    

Thoughts on Achieving Work-Life Balance 

Choosing to say ‘no’ to a chronic work-life imbalance, to actually get up the gumption to advise your employer that you’re no longer going to work the hours you have been, may sound scary.

But it shouldn’t be if dealt with mindfully, openly, honestly, realistically, and in the spirit of goodwill that usually exists between employee and employer (and if it doesn’t, you’re working for the wrong company).

So, if you’re ready to take concrete steps to regain work-life balance – and do your part to drive societal change – here are some things to consider:

Take charge

Only you know what work-life balance means to you and only you can make it happen.  No one is going to come up to you and say, “Here, let me help you achieve work-life balance.”

Keep the End-Goal in Sight  

As you negotiate your way toward work-life balance, always keep in mind what’s at stake – all the life-enhancing moments that collectively contribute to helping make your life great – all the things you will regret not having devoted more time to at life’s end.  After all, what’s life all about?  Work?  Partly, of course, but there’s way more to life than work.

You’re likely worth way more to your employer than you think you are.  

Assuming you’re a capable, self-starting, congenial, positive individual, replacing you comes with significant costs:

  1. The cost of hiring your replacement.
  2. The cost of bringing that person up to your level of knowledge and experience.
  3. The cost in lost productivity and increased errors in the meantime.
  4. The negative impact your termination has on morale and, hence, other potential departures.
  5. The cost associated with the loss of your future higher productivity that would have resulted had you been retained, but this starting from your already high skill level that may be many years ahead of your replacement.
  6. The financial cost of compensating you for termination.
  7. The potential cost of making a hiring mistake and having to go back through the entire hiring process again, with yet more cost.

Your employer is espousing work-life balance.  You’re simply following through on it. 

Being a professional entails having open, honest conversations with your employer about what work-life balance means to you – what your boundaries are and what your commitments are. 

This obviously is a very individual issue – your definition of work-life balance may be quite different from that of your colleagues, and that’s to be expected. 

In the end it all comes down to give and take between you and your employer.  They justifiably expect results and you justifiably expect a life beyond work.  Almost assuredly there is common ground between you and your employer.  And if there isn’t, then you still have a choice – find a better employer.

Happy employees are more productive employees

Your value to your employer increases if you’re happy at work because it’s been shown to enhance productivity.  Accommodating work-life balance is a powerful means to impact employee happiness.

Of course, we’ve already covered the negative mental and physical harms of over-work, all of which impede productivity, so avoiding over-work benefits both staff and the company. 

Companies with work-life balance can attract and retain better staff

Imagine you’re looking for a job and have narrowed your choice down to two otherwise identical employers. Without question, you are going to choose the one that has a reputation for treating its employees better – the one that actually cares about its people’s work-life balance.  

Such a company has the luxury of being picky about who it hires and so can preferentially select superior workers who are more creative and productive.

Being more productive, the company need not compete head-to-head on compensation to remain competitive.  It’s the uncaring company with the less productive staff that needs to offer more pay in order to try to compensate for the longer hours that would be needed to compete with the more productive company.

And if the caring company does match compensation (which it could given its higher productivity)?  It’s easy enough to see how the uncaring company could enter a death spiral, unable to compete on productivity, working conditions, or compensation sufficiently high to offset those awful working conditions.

The good news on this front is that this is already starting to happen. Unlike us old Baby-Boomers, today’s younger workers are increasingly asking prospective employers about work-life balance, and opting for those companies that actually take it seriously. 

Life is precious, short, and could end much sooner than anticipated.  Do you really want to fritter away a big chunk of it toiling in misery?

We tend to live life as if we’re immortal, our eventual death an event that’s going to occur in some far-distant future.  But we all know this isn’t reality.  Even in my limited social sphere I can think of dozens of friends, relatives, former classmates, and former colleagues who died young. 

I myself could have died on 24 March 2017 when I was involved in a serious head-on car accident.  Had I been hit by a larger vehicle that day I seriously doubt I would be around to write these words.

It shouldn’t take a life-altering health scare or other tragedy to wake us up to the preciousness of life.  Yes, work is a fulfilling and necessary part of our lives, but its importance truly needs to be kept in perspective.  And only we can make the choice to ensure that it plays its fair role, but no extra.  It’s all a matter of taking responsibility for our own lives.  

Flexible work arrangements may make work more pleasant, but do not directly address the problem of grudgingly-worked long hours.

Take the increasingly popular flex-hours idea – giving staff the ability to come and go as they choose to better accommodate their lifestyle, provided they still put in at least the contracted amount of time. 

This obviously is of no help resolving work-life balance if you’re still begrudging the number of hours you have to toil, even if they are put in flexibly.

Work-from-home is another trend gaining acceptance by employers (and materially boosted by the Covid-19 pandemic).  But once again, if you simply replace long hours at the office with long hours at home, nothing has been accomplished (indeed, there is evidence that those opting to work from home actually put in even more hours than those working from the office).

What about equal time off in lieu of those grudgingly-worked extra hours?  On the face of it, this sounds a fair trade because your total hours worked now mathematically fits your concept of work-life balance.

But there are two problems with this arrangement.  First, it is almost never the case that the extra time off comes anywhere close to the extra time worked.

Second, even if it is a one-for-one swap, all those extra hours spent at the office mess up your life over an extended period of time whereas the extra time off is concentrated into a day or two. 

For example, let’s say that work-life balance to you means going home at 5pm each night but the workload is such that you feel compelled to work to 6pm most days.  So, over a two-week span let’s say you accumulate eight hours of grudging overtime.  Then, in lieu of this, you get an extra day off.  

Would this feel like a fair trade-off?  Two weeks of misery, followed by an extra day off, followed by another two weeks of misery, reprieved by another extra day off?  I don’t believe so.

On the day you retire, no one is going to remember or care about all those extra hours you grudgingly put in over the years. 

All those years spent putting in extra time at work, depriving yourself of other pleasures, and what do you get?  If you’re lucky, a party, a card, a gift or two, a smattering of applause, and then you’re gone; replaced and quickly forgotten.  Does this sound like a trade-off you really want to make? 

Setting clear boundaries and then sticking to them is essential

Work-life balance is not a one-size-fits-all concept.  Just because your colleague Johnny (or, even worse, your boss) is willing to work crazy hours doesn’t mean it should suit everyone else, because we’re each different.

As a result, only you know your work-life boundaries.  It is essential that you know these boundaries, be able to verbalize them to your employer, and then stick to them, because in their absence you will end up saying ‘yes’ to requests to which you should have said ‘no’. 

And if a request isn’t actually a request but an order?  Then you owe it to yourself – for the sake of truth, honesty, and reality – to advise your employer that taking on that new task necessarily means that others on your to-do list will either be delayed or, indeed, dropped entirely. 

Achieving work-life balance requires realism.  If your employer doesn’t wish to face up to reality, then it may be time to find another employer.

We already have boundaries – we just need to choose better ones

All of us eventually choose to stop working at some point each day, meaning we all have chosen boundaries; we’ve just settled on ones that don’t provide us with work-life balance.

So, bearing this in mind, choose a better boundary that does.  You still won’t get all your work done regardless, but you’ll be a happier, healthier, more productive employee as a result. 

And, as mentioned above, in the end, no one’s going to remember or care  how much time you put in or how many widgets of production you contributed toward the welfare of humankind during your time on this earth.  You’re way more important to you than to the collective – so keep this firmly in mind.

Setting work-life boundaries shows you to be a thoughtful professional 

Were I a manager, I personally would be impressed by someone who had taken the time to be able to clearly verbalize the following:

  1. Based on my strengths, here is how I see myself contributing to the betterment of this company.
  2. Here is my plan to achieve the performance targets I’ve been assigned.
  3. Here are the boundaries within which I plan to work in order to achieve work-life balance.

As a manager, I know I would appreciate having clearly-defined work parameters from each member of the team rather than possessing only a vague sense of each one’s expectations and plans. 

If no one can keep up with the work, it’s not you, it’s the job 

When we’re always behind at work we start to question our competency and have a tendency to feel that we’re the only one who can’t cut the mustard.  But here’s the thing – if all those around you doing the same role are also struggling, then it’s not you, it’s the job. 

You must be prepared to quit if work-life balance is unattainable

In the end, if you are unable to negotiate a suitable work-life balance with your employer, then you must either be prepared to quit and find another employer that is more accommodating or accept that your life is going to be less than you had hoped it would be – your choice.

Final Word

Living a mindful life is all about making wise choices.  And making such choices necessitates facing up to reality – head on – and not shying away from situations we fear.

Given its prevalence, achieving work-life balance is clearly a fearful situation for just about everyone.

However, if dealt with openly, honestly, realistically, and with goodwill and calm confidence, I believe it to be within everyone’s reach. 

So, time to do your part for this obviously much-needed societal change!

Warmest wishes,

Rob @ Living a Mindful Life

Choosing Work-Life Balance:  My Own Story

At the outset of this post I referenced my own lack of work-life balance. Here is what I did to bring sanity back to my own job as a personal financial advisor:   

  • I found that my days were scattered, doing whatever happened to hit my desk at any given moment; quickly responding to email, always answering the phone whenever it rang …….   In short, I was reacting to the job rather than being proactive.  Of course, working in this manner is stressful because you feel like you’ve got no control – you’re always at the mercy of external events.  So, to regain control, I made a list of my duties, prioritized them, estimated how much time each would require, and then built a fixed weekly schedule that blocked off specific times each day of the week to deal with my most important tasks.
  • In doing so I acknowledged and accepted that the less-important tasks may never get done – how could they if I could barely keep up with the highest-priority items? Achieving work-life balance means facing up to reality, and reality is that there’s always more work to do than time available, so if I was going to get home at a reasonable hour, something had to give.
  • I ran my plan by a senior executive to gain their approval, which was granted.
  • I stuck to the plan vociferously and faced whatever consequences arose, which proved to be near nil. Yes, my assistant initially had difficulty saying ‘no’ to clients who wanted to see me right away. However, she soon discovered that clients were more accommodating than she had imagined – after all, they too were busy professionals who understood the need to take control one’s schedule.
  • I began making more realistic promises to clients, pushing off fulfillment sufficiently far into the future to ensure I could get it done without having to put in overtime.
  • And, most importantly, at the end of a normal work day, I went home. Was all my work done? Of course not!  But then, it never would be regardless of how late I stayed.

And the outcome? I was proud of the service I provided my clients and, with the exception of one target, all of my results proved excellent – client satisfaction, client retention, new-client acquisition, new investment deposits, new insurance policies issued, financial planning value delivered, etc.

And the one target I consistently failed at?  Well, that was the one dictating how many clients I was expected to meet with each year; I met with far fewer than my employer wanted.

However, that particular target was incompatible with my new way of working and my goal of maintaining work-life balance.

Nonetheless, given my success on the many measures that actually contributed to the profitability of the company (which hitting a meetings-per-week target doesn’t), this proved more than a reasonable trade-off, for me and the company.

What my experience illustrates is that there’s almost always more than one way to achieve success. After all, we each have unique skills and experience, so a one-size-fits-all approach to most jobs rarely makes sense.

In the end, I was able to be successful, achieve work-life balance, regain job satisfaction, and maintain a level of professionalism that I was proud of.

Now, I include my story not because I believe it can be blindly applied to every job out there, because it clearly can’t. However, my point is that you almost assuredly have more control over your situation than you believe, so I truly hope you take whatever steps are necessary to achieve your own work-life balance.

Best wishes,

Rob @ Living a Mindful Life