Key Mindfulness Teachings

Life in the Slow Lane

“Slow isn’t a speed, it’s a state of mind.”

Anonymous

Why Are We in Such a Hurry?

Have you ever noticed just how joyless life feels when you’re in a hurry? And it’s joyless because this is how it makes us feel:

When rushing we are grumpy, agitated, self-centered, impatient, judgmental, humorless, intolerant, narrow-minded, mistake-prone, careless, quick to anger, easily frustrated, stressed, overwhelmed, and biased toward perceiving life negatively.

In short, rushing turns life into a struggle; every impediment, no matter how minor, feels like a major obstacle thwarting our plans.

Given how miserable rushing makes us feel, why are we in such a hurry?

Because We Choose To Be

It was yet another beautifully-warm sunny day in Tobago when my wife and I, basking in the joy of our honeymoon, ventured into a general store in search of some much-needed sun screen.

Staff, friends, and locals were all hanging about, smiling, laughing, chatting – having a wonderful time – but dammit, no one was coming over to serve us!

My wife and I looked at each other in disbelief wondering what the heck was wrong with these people? Can’t they see that there are paying customers waiting for them to do their job? Can’t they see that they’re wasting our time!

Feeling a sense of righteous indignation, I approached one of the staff to ask for service. In a friendly, polite tone she informed me that it was break time.

“Is everyone on break at the same time?” I inquired. “Yes sir” came the reply, “It’s break time. We’ll be back in about fifteen minutes.”

“Food and grocery shopping in Tobago is an experience that will either bring extreme frustration or a huge smile to your face. Allow lots of time. Shopping on Tobago is not something that can be hurried. Tobago time operates in a different dimension and “hurrying” is a guaranteed way of raising blood pressure and creating tension.”

Source: https://www.mytobago.info/shopping.php

Ah, vital life lesson learned – hurrying is a choice!

Who knew! After all, back home in Canada we all rush around like mad fools much of the time, so I reasonably assumed that this was just the way life is.

Well, it’s not.

Rushing, hurrying, and impatience are a choice. Just because all those around you are losing their heads doesn’t mean you have to lose yours too. You can step off the proverbial gerbil treadmill if you so choose.

“For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.”

Lily Tomlin, American comedian

Not that this will be easy mind you. After all, in North America at least (if not Tobago!), we’ve conditioned each other to believe that rushing around is normal – expected almost.

And if you disagree, then just try doing the speed limit one day to see how many frantic drivers are on your tail looking to pass at the first opportunity, often at the risk of life and limb.

“Rushing doesn’t save time, it just rearranges it.”

Anonymous

Slow is a State of Mind, Not a Speed

Here’s the good news; speed on its own is not the problem. You don’t have to move like an old man to live life in the slow lane. You can still move or work with alacrity without triggering that awful feeling of being in a hurry.

So when does fast turn into rushing? When you become fixated on the future, wanting whatever you’re doing in the present moment to end so you can get to some future state.

For example, let’s say it’s your turn to cook supper, something you don’t particularly enjoy. Given this situation, what are you likely to do? Well, if you’re like most people, you will probably try to rush through it, likely grumbling about it the entire time.

But therein lies the problem. You’re stuck in the present moment (in this instance, having to cook) but wanting to be in the future (perhaps watching TV or reading a good book, pretty much anything other than having to prepare a meal).

In this manner you turn the present moment into an obstacle and make yourself miserable in the process.

“Stress is caused by being ‘here’ but wanting to be ‘there’.

Eckhart Tolle, author of “The Power of Now”

But here’s the thing – you can’t get to that, or any, future moment except by living through a string of present moments. Rushing to get anywhere is what “wishing your life away” is all about. And there’s a very good reason we’re cautioned not to do so – because life is precious – too precious to waste in a state of unconscious agitation.

The simple fact is that life doesn’t happen in the future, life happens in the now.

Sensing When We’re Rushing

How can we tell when fast is turning into rushing? Whenever we start to feel frantic and impatient.

And we all know that feeling – our muscles tighten, our focus narrows, our five senses dull, we lose our sense of humor, and a life-sucking seriousness sets in.

These are our cues to slow down.

How to Slow Down

Whenever you catch yourself starting to rush, try P.B.S. – Pause, Breathe, Smile.

Pausing means to momentarily stop doing and simply be. This helps break our fixation on the future.
Deep slow breathing coupled with conscious muscle relaxation triggers our calming parasympathetic nervous system, shutting down our stress response.
Smiling terminates our seriousness and helps us regain proper perspective.

The Low Down on Slow Down

Aside from dispensing with the angst brought on by rushing, there are many other beneficial reasons for choosing to live life in the slow lane. Here are a few:

You’ll Live Longer and Better

Feeling rushed triggers our stress system – it tricks our body into thinking we’re in danger and so need to physically flee. But there’s nothing to flee from, it’s just us thinking our way into a snit.

So, if you’re always rushing, then you’re always stressed.

But here’s the thing, chronic stress reduces life expectancy. So, if you want to die sooner rather than later, rush. Rushing through life literally does rush you through life!

And if stress doesn’t kill you then there’s a good chance it’s going to make you seriously ill or worsen an existing condition. Depression, cancer, and cardiovascular disease are but three illnesses linked to stress.

You’ll Live Longer Even if You Don’t Live Longer

Because rushing renders us unconscious we miss out on much of our life. Think of all those present moments that pass by unnoticed, unremarked, and unappreciated.

Life’s small joys become invisible to us when we’re rushing. Simply put, if we don’t slow down sufficiently to even notice that there are roses, what hope do we have of actually smelling them?

“The trail is the thing, not the end of the trail. Travel too fast, and you miss all you are traveling for.”

Louis L’Amour, American novelist (b 1908)

“One of the great ironies of life is that the more one rushes to save time, the more living time one loses to the fog of unconsciousness.”

Anonymous

Slowing down to appreciate life’s small joys increases our lived life even if it adds not one single second to our physical time on this earth.

You’ll be Wiser

The brain’s locus of executive functioning is the prefrontal cortex (PFC), located just behind the forehead. It plays a key role in things like impulse control, emotional control, and creative thinking, all part and parcel of what we refer to as wisdom.

But here’s the thing – the PFC goes offline under stress. Because rushing triggers our stress response, when you’re feeling hurried you lose access to your innate wisdom – you become impulsive, emotional, and struggle to come up with creative solutions to whatever challenges you may be facing.

So, if you wish to be the best you at all times you’ve got to learn how to slow down and become present at the first sign of internal angst. Once calmed, wisdom comes back online.

You’ll Have Greater Patience

Rushing breeds impatience which is the antithesis of being mindful. It is not for nothing that patience is considered a virtue.

“Why is patience so important? Because it makes us pay attention.”

Paulo Coelho, Brazilian novelist

You’ll Respond to Life Rather Than React to It

Slowing down the mind provides just that extra little bit of time to catch ourselves before we say or do something in the heat of the moment that we later regret.

Living life in the slow lane provides the opportunity to respond intelligently to life rather than react to it unthinkingly.

You’ll Be a Nicer Person

As referenced above, rushing tends to turn us into decidedly unpleasant individuals, easily agitated, quick to anger, and not a whole lot of fun to be around.

Slowing down directly counters this, helping us to be kinder, gentler, more easy going, and less easily thrown off balance.

In this more balanced frame of mind we are better placed to contribute to the world’s peace rather than add to its aggression.

“When the mind is going too fast, it is impossible to be sensitive to the needs of others.”

Eknath Easwaran, author of “Take Your Time – The Wisdom of Slowing Down“

Unpleasant Moments Will Seem to Pass By Faster

One of the functions handled by the left hemisphere of the brain is the conscious awareness of the passing of time. Conversely, the right hemisphere is not time aware.

Meditation has been found to preferentially activate the right side of the brain. Therefore, to the extent that slowing down fosters a meditative state, time passes faster.

This is one possible explanation behind the saying, “Time flies when you’re having fun”. Having fun promotes a focus on the present moment leading to a relaxed, meditative state. With the right side of the brain activated we temporarily lose the ability to judge the passage of time – four hours of fun seem to pass by in minutes.

Back to our cooking example. By trying to rush through it you inadvertently activate the left side of your brain and so become ultra-sensitive to the passage of time – preparing supper seems to take an eternity.

On the other hand, if you slow down and just focus on the task at hand (thus fostering a calm, meditative state) the right hemisphere of your brain will be activated – supper preparation will seem to take less time than it actually did.

You’ll See Reality More Clearly

As discussed in this post, the ancient part of our brain, the amygdala, functions wonderfully to keep us safe from potential danger by triggering our stress response, preparing us to fight or flee in a matter of milliseconds.

However, the tradeoff for this quickness is inaccuracy – think policeman mistaking a submarine sandwich for a gun (yes, this has actually happened, with deadly consequences).

Slowing down provides two major benefits:

We see reality with greater clarity and so can respond more appropriately.
By calming our mind we turn off our reactionary amygdala and switch on our wiser prefrontal cortex. As a result, creative solutions to life’s challenges come more readily to mind. In addition, we’re less impulsive and better able to avoid getting caught up in pointless drama.

Kinetic Energy = Mass x Velocity Squared

In North America at least, society has decided that the maximum speed limits posted on our highways and byways are to be taken as the minimum speeds everyone is expected to do.

But, as Sir Isaac Newton’s classical equations show us, going faster has serious implications; in short, speed kills.

Take an average passenger car weighing 4000 pounds. If it’s involved in a collision with another vehicle, how much more destructive force comes into play at 120 kph versus 100 kph (i.e. a 20% increase in speed)?

4000 lbs x 100 kph x 100 kph = 40 million
4000 lbs x 120 kph x 120 kph = 57.6 million

In other words, a 20% increase in speed results in a 44% increase in destructive energy. Push this to 130 kph and the extra force involved is almost 70% greater.

To no surprise, the risk of death increases exponentially with an increase in speed, and this despite what appear to be relatively modest differences in vehicle velocity.

When it comes to driving, slowing down really does mean slowing down, for reasons too obvious to state.

Eating Will Be More Than Simply Fueling Up

Eating our meals slowly delivers a number of benefits:

Eating is one of the great joys of life, one that is enhanced materially if we slow down enough to savor the flavor (along with temperature, texture, aroma, and other enjoyable sensations).
For those of us with weight issues, eating more slowly may also help with weight loss. How so? Well, it’s been found that it takes the body about twenty minutes to register being full. So if you wolf your meal down in ten minutes, there’s a good chance you’ll end up eating beyond the point of fullness because you’ve not given your body sufficient time to let you know that it’s had enough.
Meals are more than food intake, they’re very often social events as well. Slowing down creates more time to enjoy the social aspect of eating.
Slowing down leads to chewing longer which, by reducing the size of food chunks that must be dealt with by the stomach, helps ward off indigestion. Slowing down also leads to reduced air intake into the digestive tract, which not only minimizes the chance of indigestion but heartburn as well.
Eating slowly increases nutrient intake: more nutrition without more calories.

You’ll Make Fewer Errors

There’s a reason someone came up with the saying, “Haste makes waste“. Enough said!

Your Life Smooths Out

As mentioned above, rushing turns most everything into an obstacle, one more frustrating impediment thwarting our efforts to finish what we’re doing so we can get on to our next task.

But when you slow down and choose instead to move at the speed of life, letting it unfold in its own time with patience and acceptance, things magically smooth out and life ceases to feel like a struggle.

Choosing Slow Means Choosing a Life Philosophy

Choosing to live life in the slow lane is to consciously adopt a guiding set of principles, a clear philosophy by which you intend to live your life.

The goal behind slowing down is to lead a peaceful life, a goal I personally believe to be of the highest order.

In the absence of a guiding philosophy we necessarily succumb to our default settings – primitive instincts and the mindless adoption of cultural norms, neither of which necessarily serve our best interests except through happenstance.

If living a peaceful life strikes you as a reasonable philosophy, one that is preferable to the rat race most of us currently endure, then it’s time to take charge and make the change.

Welcome to life in the slow lane!

Warmest wishes,

Rob @ Living a Mindful Life

When I first started to explore the topic of mindfulness I found the process overwhelming and confusing. There was just so much out there with much of it not geared to my then-novice level of understanding and experience.

Fortunately, with time, practice, and much diligent study, I was able to tease out the core teachings. I present them here, in plain English, to spare you from having to start from scratch like I did!

Required: Reflection, Contemplation, and Self-Discovery

In my experience, fully grasping the wisdom behind spiritual teachings requires regular periods of quiet reflection and contemplation – it just does.

And why this is true is that only in moments of stillness are we receptive to the deeper lessons that mere words struggle to convey. Most, if not all, “Aha! Now I get it!!!” moments are experienced when our minds are still.

Of equal importance, you must personally put the teachings to the test and assess for yourself if the lessons presented ring true.

Why? Because wisdom cannot be taught, only seen and experienced.

“Such knowledge can’t be grasped intellectually. It is something that has to be realized and uncovered from within your own consciousness.”

Sydney Banks, author of “The Enlightened Gardener”

Ten Key Mindfulness Teachings

#1: Resisting reality leads to needless suffering

American meditation teacher, Shinzen Young, is credited with coming up with this insightful equation:

Suffering = Pain x Resistance

Let’s look at each component to help clarify the important point being made:

Pain

Here we are referring not just to physical pain but include other experiences such as:

losing something of importance to you.
the death of a loved one.
having your deeply-held opinions and beliefs challenged.

So, a sore arm is pain, the death of a beloved pet is pain, the destruction of a treasured family heirloom is pain, the loss of a job is pain, and on and on.

What each of these have in common is twofold: 1) They have occurred – they are already reality. 2) They are an inextricable part of life that cannot be escaped.

In short, everyone born into this world will experience pain and there is nothing that can be done about it – we all get sick, we all eventually die, and we all will experience loss of some kind.

Resistance

We tend to cling to the parts of life we like, not wanting to see them end – a pleasant vacation, a close friendship, a shiny new car, the way things used to be done at work before stupid changes by management, etc., etc., etc.

Conversely, we tend to feel aversion toward the parts of life we don’t like, wanting to escape from them as quickly as possible.

However, both clinging and aversion represent resistance – an unwillingness to face up to reality, to face up to what already IS.

Pain is a reality of life. It is non-negotiable, non-escapable and, therefore, futile to resist. Yet we persist in trying, to our psychological detriment.

Suffering

Suffering is the consequence of resisting the reality of an unpleasant situation. It is the mental anguish we experience when we try to resist pain, try to resist what IS, try to resist reality.

As the equation shows, without resistance to pain, there is no suffering. Yes, the pain will still be there, but you won’t add needless, pointless, psychological suffering to an already unpleasant situation. Resistance just makes matters worse.

The good news is that while pain is a fact of life, suffering is optional – it’s completely up to you.

This is an uplifting, freeing observation because it means that your mental well-being is in your own hands – you get to choose peace of mind over mental anguish.

But, as pointed out above, don’t just take my word for it, test the truth of this for yourself. The next time you get riled up or find yourself complaining about something, see if the essence of your upset is not, in fact, simply your resistance to reality.

So what’s the alternative then? Acceptance!

Pain is a reality of life. Resist this reality and you will suffer! So the only sane way forward is to accept this reality, accept the fact that you are faced with an unpleasant situation, and then just deal with it.

In other words, you simply respond to a painful situation in a calm, collected, matter-of-fact manner, because getting upset adds nothing of value.

Indeed, getting upset just makes an already unpleasant situation worse. It drags you down as well as all those around you.

But that’s not the end of it. In an upset state you are not able to think clearly – your reactive amygdala has taken you over and your wise frontal cortex has gone off-line. As a result, in a state of agitation, you are perfectly primed to say and do things that prove utterly regrettable. In addition, with your creativity temporarily compromised, you will struggle to come up with solutions to whatever problematic issues you may be facing.

“Always say ‘yes’ to the present moment. What could be more futile, more insane, than to create inner resistance to what already is? What could be more insane than to oppose life itself, which is now and always now?

Surrender to what is, say ‘yes’ to life and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you.”

Eckhart Tolle, author of “The Power of Now“

The lesson here, then, is that there are no “problems”, simply situations to be dealt with. Indeed, it has been said that life’s challenges are nothing more than glorious opportunities to put mindfulness into actual practice!

And one final but important point; acceptance does not mean passivity – you can still stand up for yourself and take steps to better your situation – but you do so from a position of calm wisdom rather than habitual, unthinking reaction; the outcome will be all the better for it.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”

Lao Tse – Chinese philosopher, circa 500 B.C.

#2: Impermanence is a fact of life

Impermanence is a key component of reality. It means that all things, all situations, everything, both good and bad, eventually come to an end; nothing stays the same forever.

When it comes to the things we enjoy in life we know that resisting their eventual loss will lead to needless suffering.

If you resist the truth of impermanence, you will be constantly mourning the loss of the things you enjoy and clamoring for new pleasantries to take their place – only to have these taken from you as well. This is an obsessive, restless, anxiety-inducing cycle that has no end.

The alternative? To simply enjoy the pleasant parts of life while they’re around but don’t cling to them. When their time is up, have the wisdom to let them go.

As for the unpleasant parts of life, simply accept them as inevitable and deal with them mindfully. And take solace in the fact that, in due time, impermanence will take these from you as well.

“Time is a sort of river of passing events and strong is its current; no sooner is a thing brought to sight than it is swept by and another takes its place; and this too will be swept away.”

Marcus Aurelius – Roman emperor, 161AD – 181AD

#3: A mind focused on the past or the future is an anxious mind

As referenced in this post , we are happiest when our attention is focused on the present moment rather than dwelling on an unchangeable past or fretting about or rushing to get to the future.

If something can be done about a past event that will make things better in the present, then do it, because rumination just leads to needless stress.

As for the future, it causes us angst in two ways:

When we fixate on all the many things we have to do.
When we rush to get somewhere or complete something.

In the first case, we can only think about and work on one thing at a time. Trying to do otherwise just causes stress. Better to just focus on each task in turn.

And if they don’t all get done? Well, the sun will still rise tomorrow, your family and friends will still love you, and the world will keep on turning. In other words, we’ve got to keep life in perspective. We’re just not that important.

As for rushing, doing so implies that the future we’re fixated on is better than the present.

But is it really? And is it not true that as soon as we reach that frantically-sought-after future point, there’s always another one? When do we actually get to live right now?

And always rushing to the future comes at a real cost:

The small joys of life become invisible to us.
Everything becomes an obstacle, one frustration after another.
Rushing triggers our stress response because our mind thinks we’re in danger. Under stress we’re anxious, unpleasant, and not thinking clearly. And if we’re always rushing, chronic stress compromises our physical well-being.

The better alternative?:

Stay focused on the present moment and just deal with whatever life presents in a calm, wise manner.
Keep life in perspective. Nothing is that important that it should be permitted to ruin even one moment of your life.

“Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry – all forms of fear – are caused by too much future and not enough presence.

Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.”

Eckhart Tolle

“Changing the filter, wiping noses, going to meetings, picking up around the house, washing dishes, checking the dipstick – don’t let yourself think that these are distracting you from your more serious pursuits. Such a round of chores is not a set of difficulties we hope to escape – it is our path.”

Jon Kabat-Zinn, author of “Wherever You Go, There You Are“

#4: External circumstances do not dictate our mood. Rather, it is our thinking about those circumstances that does

How do we know this to be true? After all, is it not obvious that an unpleasant situation puts us in a bad mood? Well, no actually, and here’s why.

First, consider two people exposed to the exact same situation; they will experience it differently, sometimes materially differently. For example, one person’s fear of public speaking is another person’s exciting opportunity – only their thinking differs.

Or consider this scenario. You are driving to work when someone abruptly and dangerously cuts you off. You feel a rush of anger and lay on the horn to express your feelings of outrage. At the next red light you leer over at them in disgust.

But then you realize – it’s your mother behind the wheel!

What happens to your anger and outrage? It vanishes, and all that has changed are your thoughts about the situation.

We’ve all experienced this. You’re dealing with a difficult situation and are in a low mood. The next day a caring friend calls on you to see how you’re feeling and you respond, “I’m in a better frame of mind today, thanks. I’m doing fine.”

Being in a “better frame of mind” isn’t the result of the situation changing. The only thing that has changed is your thinking about the situation. With the benefit of time, distance, and a chance to calm an over-active mind, healthier thoughts displace unhelpful thinking.

In her article titled, “Do You Ever Get Upset?“, Dr. Judy Sedgeman makes the point that negative feelings are simply the result of negative thoughts – nothing to get upset about or try to figure out. If you let the negative thoughts flow on by and don’t latch on to them, wiser thoughts will soon take their place.

“So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key.”

The Eagles from their 1974 hit song, “Already Gone“

So, the main lessons are this:

We are in control of our thoughts, our thoughts are not in control of us. We get to decide what to think about any given situation. Change our thinking and we change our perception – it’s that simple.
It’s all just thoughts, and thoughts can’t hurt us.
By letting our mind settle into a calm stillness, troubling thoughts are soon replaced by better, wiser, healthier thoughts.

“External problems do not generally damage our bodies directly. What harms us is our psychological response to those circumstances; not the state of our environment, but of our mind. And that is something we can control.”

Jo Marchant from her book, “Cure – A Journey into the Science of Mind Over Body”

Of course, none of this is actually simple because we’ve been conditioned by society to react habitually and unthinkingly to unpleasant situations. Turn on any television drama and what do you encounter? People lashing out at each other in mindless anger.

It takes mindfulness practice to undo this tired, stale, unhelpful way of dealing with life’s challenges and substitute in its place the ability to respond with a calm wisdom.

Responding in this manner achieves a number of beneficial outcomes:

It helps us keep things in proper perspective.
It helps us preserve relationships rather than put them under severe strain.
It helps us spread peace and goodwill rather than aggression.

It’s our choice.

“Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.”

Khalil Gibran – Lebanese poet, 1883 – 1931

#5: When faced with an unpleasant situation we have three sane choices

In his book, “The Power of Now“, spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle lays out three sane choices when faced with an unpleasant situation:

Change the situation (if you can and if this is the wisest way forward).
Remove yourself from the situation (if you can and if this is the wisest way forward).
If you can neither change the situation nor remove yourself from it, then accept it as if you had chosen it.

As he astutely puts it, “all else is madness”.

Why madness? Because all other options entail resisting reality, resisting what IS, and this we know to be the path of needless suffering.

What then is this madness? Choosing to inflict suffering upon yourself!

“If there is no solution to the problem, then don’t waste time worrying about it.

If there is a solution to the problem, then don’t waste time worrying about it.”

Dalai Lama XIV

#6: A “brain on fire” yields no wisdom

By “brain on fire” (BOF) I mean an agitated state of mind brought on by situations we don’t like. Here are some examples:

BOF = How you feel as you’re speeding in your car to get somewhere.
BOF = How you feel as you impatiently look at your watch, over and over again, while stuck in a long, slow-moving grocery line.
BOF = How you feel while having a spat with your spouse.
BOF = Dejectedly thinking about all the tasks that await you upon your return to work after a great vacation.

An agitated state of mind is brought on by the oldest part of our brain, the amygdala. When alerted to danger, it is responsible for triggering our self-protection ‘fight-flight-freeze’ mechanism.

Unfortunately, it isn’t smart enough to be able to distinguish true danger from simple anger or frustration.

Awful physical health implications aside, this wouldn’t necessarily be a problem were it not for one thing – under the influence of our amygdala our wisdom goes off-line.

By this I mean that the amygdala over-rides the wise part of our brain, the pre-frontal cortex (PFC), the locus of our executive functioning – emotional control, impulse control, and creativity.

As a result, under the influence of our amygdala we become reactionary rather than wisely responsive.

Why are we set up this way? Because if we are in a true life-threatening situation we don’t have the luxury of wisely pondering our best course of action, we must react instinctively and unthinkingly.

However, in the absence of real danger, reacting unthinkingly when simply angered or frustrated serves only to make an already unpleasant situation worse.

So what can we do about this? Because our PFC is only accessible when we are calm we use mindfulness practice in two ways:

To sensitize us to the first signs of mental upset – a flush of heat (as the blood flows to our muscles), a tightening of the jaw and muscles, a furrowing of the brow, an empty feeling in the pit of our stomach (as the blood flows away from your organs to your muscles), a dry mouth, rapid breathing, and a pounding heart. These are the cues that our wisdom is about to go off-line.
To immediately pause, breathe deeply and slowly, relax our muscles, and smile to regain perspective.

Doing so slows down our thinking and re-accesses our PFC and its wisdom. In a clearer state of mind we avoid the normal, but decidedly unhelpful, habitual, and unthinking reaction to life.

In short, nothing good comes from reacting to life. Much good comes from responding to it.

The corollary of this teaching is that whenever you find yourself embroiled in a situation with someone whose own brain is on fire, know fully that they are not in a state of mind to listen to reason.

For example, a teenager throwing a tantrum has BOF and so is not able to listen to what you have to say because they are under the powerful influence of their amygdala.

So, in such a situation, it is best to give the other person time to calm down so they can re-access their PFC. Only then will you be able to have an intelligent exchange of views about the situation at hand.

“It’s extremely important to widen the gap between impulse and action, and that’s exactly what mindfulness does … it gives us a moment or two …. where we can change our relationship to our experience, not be caught in it and swept away by impulse, but rather to see that there’s an opportunity here to make a different, better choice.”

Daniel Goleman, author of “Emotional Intelligence“

#7 – Don’t supply fuel to negative thoughts and they will dissipate of their own accord

A brain creates thoughts all on its own; it’s what it’s designed to do. And given our documented negativity-bias, many of those thoughts tend to be unhelpful and anxiety-inducing.

But you are not your brain, and you are not your thoughts. Your conscious awareness is separate from both. And because of this, with practice in mindful awareness, you can go from being the slave of your thoughts to simply being the observer of your thoughts.

Here is an analogy often used to help clarify this point:

Your thoughts are like a waterfall and you are an observer safely standing behind it, just watching the water cascading in front of you. As an observer, the waterfall can’t hurt you. In the same way, your thoughts can’t hurt you either, provided you just observe them and don’t get caught up in their cascade.

Supplying fuel to a negative thought means to latch on to it and follow its story line wherever it leads you. We’ve all experienced this – we make up lengthy conversations and stories, and all of it entirely in our own mind!

So, when a negative thought occurs, try this:

Call it out for what it is. Say to yourself, “I’m feeling anxious” or “I’m feeling envious” or whatever negative feeling the thought has conjured up. Alternatively, speak to the thought directly: “Hello anger, I see you’re back again.” By calling such thoughts out and putting a name to them you are shining the light of conscious awareness on them, and they lose their hold on you.
Let the negative thought go. How? By changing the focus of your attention using one of the informal mindfulness practices outlined in this post. Studies find that if you don’t give attention to a thought for a few short moments, it will dissipate of its own accord. In a calmer, wiser state of mind, healthier thoughts will take its place. Alternatively, imagine the thought is inside a soap bubble floating at eye level. In your mind’s eye watch it rise up, and up, and up and then – ‘pop’ – gone. Then turn your mind to a healthier line of thinking.

And always remember that thoughts have no intrinsic existence – they are just ephemeral bio-chemical reactions going on inside your head – just a routine bodily process.

#8 – Making assumptions about other people’s behaviour is the path to needless personal upset and inter-personal conflict

When someone does something that upsets us we typically assume we know why they did it:

“because he’s lazy”
“because she’s stupid”
“because he’s selfish and only thinks about himself”
“because he doesn’t care about her welfare”
“because she thinks her time is more important than anyone else’s”

In doing so we are making these implicit assumptions:

That our beliefs and world views are correct.
That our beliefs and world views are universally held.
That others should act in the same manner we would in that same situation. Further, they should know better because we sure as heck would never do what they just did.

Of course, the critical flaw in this line of thinking is that we’re not all the same and, therefore, do not have the same beliefs or world views.

Factors impacting human behaviour are innumerable, encompassing influences such as genes, genetic abnormalities, hormones, social environment, social standing, past traumas, cultural background, personal experiences, parental upbringing, age, sex, etc., etc. Unique combinations of such factors guarantee unique behaviour from each of us. No surprise then that we’re often baffled by others’ behaviour.

Another critical flaw in assuming we know why another person did something is that there is every chance that they don’t even know this themselves.

But how could this be? Well, it appears to be the case that the left hemisphere of the brain serves as an interpreter of our actions; we act in some manner and then it makes up a story to help us make sense of what we just did.

In his fascinating book, “Incognito – The Secret Lives of the Brain“, neuroscientist David Eagleman offers these cautionary words for those who want to know the “why?” behind human behaviour:

“We have ways of retrospectively telling stories about our actions as though the actions were always our idea. It has been concluded that the left hemisphere of the brain acts as an interpreter, watching the actions and behavior of the body and then assigning a coherent narrative to these events. Hidden programs drive actions and the left hemisphere makes justifications.

It can be disquieting to consider the extent to which all of our actions are driven by hardwired systems while we overlay stories about our choices.”

As a result, while you may get an answer to “Why did you do that?“, don’t be surprised if it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

So is there a wiser way forward? Here are three approaches to consider:

Let It Go

If it’s just not that important – and most issues aren’t – just let it go. Life is way too short to be wasting any of it over trivialities.

Make a Better Assumption

If you’re capable of making a negative assumption, you’re also capable of making a positive assumption. After all, they’re both just make-believe stuff you cobbled together in your head.

So, perhaps the young woman on the bus who appears to be willfully ignoring her wailing child is, in fact, grieving the loss of her spouse. That may be unlikely, but it’s not impossible, so why not go with the latter assumption and save yourself needless agitation? After all, it’s your choice what to think about any given situation.

Use Non-Violent Communication

If the situation is important enough for you to take action, try this approach known as “Non-Violent Communication“, developed by the late Marshall Rosenberg, known for his work in international peace negotiations:

In non-judgmental language, convey to the “offender” what action of theirs you have observed.
Let them know how these actions make you feel.
Let them know what specific needs of yours are not being met in relation to those actions that have led you to feel this way.
Let them know what you are wanting from them to address this situation so that your needs may be met and if they could see their way to doing so.
Ask them how they observe the situation, how they feel about it, and what their needs are.
If there are conflicting needs, come to an agreeable compromise.

What you don’t want to do is to ask the “Why?” question. “So, Johnny, why did you leave your dirty hockey equipment in the hallway for everyone to trip over?”

This is the road to needless conflict because asking someone to explain their behaviour is accusatory, feels like an interrogation, and conveys a sense of fait accompli, that they’ve already been found guilty as charged.

And what do accused people do? They defend themselves or counter-attack, neither of which will prove helpful for resolving a conflict.

“Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.”

Don Miguel Ruiz, author of “The Four Agreements“

“One of the great misconceptions we often carry throughout our lives is that our perceptions of ourselves and the world are basically accurate and true, that they reflect some stable, ultimate reality. This misconception leads to tremendous suffering, both globally and in our personal life situations.”

Joseph Goldstein, “Mindfulness – A Practical Guide to Awakening”

#9 – Taking things personally leads to needless conflict and self-inflicted hurt

What someone else says about you or thinks about you, positively or negatively, is all about them, not about you; it is about your behaviour filtered through their belief system – their “shoulds”, “ought tos”, and “musts”.

How do we know this? Because two different people sizing you up as a person can come up with two very different opinions, one good and one bad – and both can’t be true.

Former U.S. President, Donald Trump, is a prime example of this. Some voters wanted him impeached while others idolized him. But he’s just one person and those two opinions are not compatible. So, it’s not about Donald Trump, it’s about each voter’s personal belief system.

So, don’t get upset over nasty things others say to you or about you because it’s got nothing to do with you, but everything to do with them.

By the same token, don’t get your chest all puffed out when people say nice things about you – because that’s all about them too (and not everyone agrees with them)!

“There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally.”

Don Miguel Ruiz

#10 – Your happiness is 100% your own responsibility and comes from within

This is a corollary of #4, this being that it is not external circumstances that dictate whether we’re happy or sad, rather, it is our thinking about those circumstances that does.

If your happiness depends on what other people think of you then you’ve got a miserable life ahead of you because you’ve just made yourself into a helpless victim – your happiness is dependent on factors outside of your control.

Similarly, if your happiness is contingent on being immersed in pleasant circumstances – enjoying a vacation, buying things, taking in a movie – then you’re guaranteed repeated episodes of abject unhappiness because life isn’t an unbroken string of pleasantries. No, life also includes the mundane and the unpleasant – doing the laundry, getting stuck in traffic, shoveling the driveway, nursing a cold, and going to the dentist.

True happiness is independent of external circumstances and comes from being mindful – living fully in the present moment and taking joy from life’s simplest moments – even doing the laundry!

It all boils down to what we choose to think about our circumstances. Happiness is a choice – and so is suffering.

It follows from all of this that it is not the responsibility of your spouse, or your parents, siblings, friends, or co-workers to make you happy – that’s totally up to you.

By the same token, you are not, and cannot be, responsible for others’ happiness – that is totally up to them.