When you think of the word “Me” or “I” what comes to mind?
Are you your body?
No, that can’t be it, because your body is subject to constant change; there is no permanent “You” there. You can’t be something that changes from moment to moment because tomorrow’s “You” isn’t today’s “You”.
Sure, there’s a strong resemblance from one day to the next based on our weak powers of perception, but take a peek at your Grade 3 class photo and it’s quickly obvious that there’s no permanent “You” to be found in your body.
Well, what about your personality, opinions, and beliefs, the things you stand for that help define you as a person?
Like your body, there is certainly a sameness from moment to moment but, ultimately, these too are subject to change over time. In my own case I’m more outgoing than I used to be, less judgmental, and more understanding.
The same holds true for our situation in life – employed, retired, healthy, ill – nothing here either but constant flux.
In fact, when you try to pin down exactly what constitutes “You”, it’s all just stuff subject to change – there is no distinct thing that is a definitive, unchanging “You”.
In truth, what we typically think of as “Me” is really just a social construct, a useful piece of shorthand to facilitate communication, sort of like a house address to make sure the mail gets to the right recipient.
Why This Matters
I know this all sounds rather esoteric, but at its heart lies a key mindfulness teaching, one that can make the difference between a life filled with peace and love and one filled with anxiety and drama.
The truth of the matter is that when we fail to see who we really are (we’re coming to this shortly) and, instead, identify with our egos (i.e. our made-up image of ourselves) we get ourselves into a heap of trouble.
As soon as we create and identify with a “Me” we automatically create an “Other”, someone who is not us.
Given our innate tendency to favor ourselves (and those close to us) over others and to ruthlessly protect our self image and reputation, needless conflict follows. For proof of this, just check out the headlines from any newspaper to confirm just how awful we can treat each other when mindless egos do battle.
“According to the teaching of the Buddha, the idea of self is an imaginary, false belief. It produces harmful thoughts of “me” and “mine”, selfish desire, craving, attachment, hatred, ill-will, conceit, pride, and egoism. It is the source of all the troubles in the world from personal conflicts to wars between nations. In short, to this false view can be traced all the evil in the world.”
Walpola Rahula, author of “What the Buddha Taught”
The Delusion of Self
The current coronavirus pandemic makes it pointedly clear just how delusional our ego-centric approach to life is.
We’re not a separate “Me” and a separate “You” and a separate “Them” – we’re all in this thing called life together – interdependent and interconnected.
Indeed, all living and inanimate things are better thought of as but fleeting cosmic phenomena momentarily coming together in the vastness of time and space and then moving on again, taking up new roles in the ceaseless unfolding of the universe. Einstein put it this way:
“A human being is a part of the whole called by us “universe”, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness.
This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us.
Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”
Albert Einstein, theoretical physicist (1879 – 1955)
Here’s how I picture things. Think of these clouds as the unfolding universe, hundreds of billions of light-years across in every direction and some fourteen billion years old.
You and I? We’re just a tiny collection of atoms within this cosmic vastness; fleeting, ever-changing agglomerations that have come together in time and space for but a brief moment, soon to disperse, and all the time just part and parcel of the great, magnificent whole.
In other words, we’re not IN the universe, we’re OF it. This is why it’s delusional to think of ourselves as separate beings – we’re all just part of a great unfolding mystery.
“Those swirls of cream mixing into the coffee? That’s us. Ephemeral patterns of complexity riding a wave of increasing entropy from simple beginnings to simple end. We should enjoy the ride.”
Dr. Sean Carroll, “The Big Picture“
So, Who are “You”?
The following observations point us toward the answer:
- Anything that you can observe cannot be “You”. Why? Because it’s the “You” who’s doing the observing.
- Anything that can be observed is subject to change. Anything subject to change can’t be “You” because with each passing moment there would be a different “You”. Which one is the real “You”? None of them.
- The only thing not subject to change is that which does the observing – the true “You”.
What is it that we can observe? Through our five senses of seeing, hearing, feeling, tasting, and smelling we observe the external world, including our own bodies.
What about our thoughts, feelings, and emotions? Yes, these too can be observed (“I sense that I’m feeling angry”). In this regard, our brain serves as a sixth sense, tasked with monitoring our inner weather patterns – anxious, joyful, angry, sad, envious.
So who is the “You” doing all this observing?
The answer? Your conscious awareness.
Everything outside of consciousness is observable and subject to change and so can’t be “You”. This leaves only one conclusion:
At your essence, you are simply pure consciousness,
pure awareness, the one who observes.
You – the Observer
At our most basic we can think of ourselves simply as observers of stimuli.
Our bodies are equipped with a myriad of sensors (for sight, hearing, touch, taste, smell, and the brain, tasked with monitoring our thoughts, feelings, and emotions).
These sensors monitor stimuli from the outside world, as well as our inner world, and send the information to our conscious awareness.
The real “You”, the observer, the one consciously aware of this information, then gets to decide what, if anything, to do about it.
But this brings up an important caveat – stimuli, by their very nature, are neither good nor bad, they simply are what they are – in other words, reality.
Living in conscious awareness means accepting this truth. Conscious awareness doesn’t embellish the information received from the senses – no judgments about whether it’s good or bad, no opinions. Instead, it simply accepts it as is and then, with equanimity, deals with it – no drama, no muss, no fuss – simply a well-considered response given whatever life situation presents itself.
And what is meant by “well-considered”? Whatever response lends itself to bringing peace into the world rather than adding to its aggression.
“Getting behind our conscious thoughts and feelings can allow us to steer a more intelligent course through our lives.”
Sam Harris, author of “Waking Up – A Guide to Spirituality Without Religion“
“The part of our mind that is aware of anger is just simply aware – it is not angry. In other words, awareness is not affected by the emotion it is observing. When we understand that, we can step back, realize this emotion has no solidity, and allow enough space for it to dissolve by itself.”
Matthieu Ricard, author of “Why Meditate?“
“One of the most life-changing realizations you can have is “I don’t have to believe my thoughts…they are just thoughts!” Any story you have about yourself is not the same as the unfolding reality of what you are: the ongoing life of your senses, the tenderness of your heart, the consciousness that right now is seeing or hearing these words. Yet because our beliefs are continuously filtering and interpreting reality, we mistake our stories about ourselves and the world for reality itself.”
Tara Brach, author of “Radical Compassion“
How We Mess This All Up
To our detriment however, we don’t live our lives as impartial observers. Why? Because we’re unconscious most of the time.
What do I mean by unconscious? Three things:
- We identify with our ego.
- We don’t live in the present moment but, rather, are often fixated on the future.
- We lack awareness of our animal instincts.
Identification With Ego
As mentioned above, we tend to think of ourselves as being separate and apart from everyone and everything. While understandable, this is nonetheless an illusion, one that results in needless grief.
And even if you don’t buy that it is an illusion, failing to counter such a view leads to grief regardless, so still best to ditch the ego and live instead in pure conscious awareness.
“In a controversy, the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth, and have begun striving for ourselves.”
Thomas Carlyle, British historian, writer, and philosopher (1795 – 1881)
“Bringing people together is what I call “ubuntu”, which means “I am, because you are”. Far too often we think of ourselves as just individuals, separated from one another, whereas you are connected and what you do affects the whole world. When you do well, it spreads out, it is for the whole of humanity.”
The Most Reverend Desmond Tutu, South African Anglican Bishop (1931 – 2021)
Future Focus
To our detriment, our minds are often fixated on the future rather than remaining firmly in the present moment, the only moment we ever get to actually experience life. For example:
- When driving somewhere we fixate on arriving at our destination and so fail to pay attention to each present moment. One need only observe people’s driving these days to get a sense of what I’m talking about – speeding to get to their destination, their mind firmly fixed on the future, and their present moment doesn’t even register – they’re unconscious. And the downside? Rushing causes stress which poisons the body and blocks access to intelligence and self-control. Increasing episodes of road rage are but one evident consequence.
- When working on a task we fixate on the end-point, its completion, rather than giving our full attention to the moment-by-moment actions required to do it. For many, meal preparation is an unpleasant task. As a result, we try to rush through it, our focus solely on the future – when we get to eat. In this manner, we ensure that cooking is indeed an onerous task and make ourselves temporarily and needlessly miserable – we’re unconscious. Why do I say needlessly miserable? Because studies find that tasks done with attention to process rather than on the finish line render even odious tasks bearable, and often even interesting.
Animal Instincts
We are unconscious to our evolutionary inheritance. Without this awareness, getting through life is akin to being controlled by an utterly mindless and predictable computer algorithm: “If this happens, then I react in this manner.”
But the computer code that controls us was written by evolution billions of years ago and so is ridiculously outdated. As a result, it produces mindless and utterly predictable behaviour:
- “If John insults me then I get angry and shout at him”
- “If my boss gives me too much work to do then I get stressed, frustrated, depressed, and angry”
- “If I don’t get my way then I pout and sulk and think disparaging thoughts about whoever or whatever is thwarting my wishes”
Living in such a manner is analogous to being a sentient puppet unaware you have access to scissors. Worse, you don’t even realize that strings control your life.
This “if-then” type of existence is what I refer to as living in evolutionary default mode. It is an unthinking, habitual, reactive, unintelligent way of getting through life evidenced by selfishness, frustration, impatience, intolerance, low-level chronic anxiety and discontent.
A Wiser Path Through Life
What does it take to snap out of this ego-centric, “if-then”, unconscious way of living?
- First, we need to realize fully that our egos are not who we really are and that we’re not separate and apart from the rest of humanity nor of the universe. In reality, we’re all just part of the natural unfolding of the universe. Perceiving life in terms of “Me” and “Mine” runs exactly counter to tracing a wise path through life.
“True love is when you can look upon another being and, in them, see yourself.”‘
Anonymous
“We have flown the air like birds and swum the sea like fishes, but have yet to learn the simple act of walking the earth like brothers.”
Martin Luther King, Jr. (1929 – 1968)
“The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater our own sense of well-being becomes. Cultivating a close, warm-hearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. This helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacles we encounter. It is the ultimate source of success in life.”
Dalai Lama XIV
“When you are present, you can sense the spirit – the one consciousness in every creature – and love it as yourself.”
Eckhart Tolle, author of “A New Earth“
- Second, we absolutely, positively need to remind ourselves, over and over, that we are simply members of the animal kingdom. As such, like all animals, we are subject to instinctual control by that evolutionary algorithm. Remembering this moment to moment is essential to waking up and resisting these instinctual tendencies. In the absence of such realization, you are that sentient puppet.
In terms of neurobiology, what this entails is training yourself to preferentially activate your wise frontal cortex instead of your reactive amygdala. Meditation practice is essential in this regard, particularly loving-kindness meditation to strengthen compassion.
It also helps immensely to ditch your ego and, instead, learn to laugh at yourself each time you get all riled up over one of life’s trivialities (and they’re all trivialities). With each occurrence, feel free to say to yourself, “There you go again, caveman!” (or cave-woman as the case may be!)
- Lastly, we need to realize that life can be lived so much more wisely through the adoption of simple conscious awareness: observe all that arises with equanimity and then respond appropriately, in a considered manner. Doing so eliminates so much needless drama.
“Our practice is simply to settle back and note in each moment what is arising, without judgment, without evaluation, without interpretation. It is simple, bare attention to what is happening.”
Jack Kornfield and Joseph Goldstein, authors of “Seeking the Heart of Wisdom“
Realizing Our True Nature
Living in spare conscious awareness we live life simply, meaning directly through our senses – reality untainted by our self-centered ego.
And guess what? This is what mindfulness is all about!
Present-moment conscious awareness of the raw stimuli sent from our six senses, unembellished by ego-centric judgment, commentary, or opinion, and then choosing a well-considered response.
Ease of Being
Free of programmed puppet-like behaviour, we naturally begin to ease up, slow down, settle in, and accept with equanimity whatever life presents – good or bad.
We get comfortable in our own skin and drop the armor we carry to protect our egos.
We learn to cut ourselves, and others, considerable slack, acknowledging the often stupid behaviour we all exhibit from time to time driven by our built-in tendencies.
And, with the resulting ease of being, we start noticing life again, just like when we were kids bursting with curiosity, enjoying it in all its aspects, especially its minute points of joy.
Warmest regards,
Rob @ Living a Mindful Life
P.S. This link will take you to a meditation I created specifically to help dis-identify with ego and mentally shift to ‘non-self’.
“Scientists tell us of the constant changes in subatomic particles, but since these are not visible to our ordinary perceptions …. we assume that …. the world around us is immutable and fixed.
In fact, our body, feelings, and so on are dynamic processes in which every aspect of them is arising and passing away in each moment. Nothing is static, even though it may appear to be firm and unchanging because our perception is not sharp enough to detect the subtle changes occurring in each moment.
The obscured mind puts together these unique moments of ever-changing existence and sees them as solid objects so that the ignorant mind can deal with the world.
A stable, solid body is a mental image superimposed onto a stream of events in the same way that a spinning propeller is seen as a circle. The constant succession of discrete acts of cognition or feeling appears as a monolithic event, just as the rapid change of frames in a film appears as a smooth continuum.”
The Dalai Lama & the Venerable Thubten Chodron, Tricycle magazine
“However, as I pointed out before, if you choose to focus on the particle level, then you cannot draw neat boundary lines separating an entity such as a cell or a hog from the rest of the world in which it resides. Notions like “cell” or “hog” aren’t relevant at that far lower level.
… electrons, photons, neutrinos, and so forth zip across such artificial boundaries without the least compunction.”
Dr. Douglas Hofstadter, physicist and author of “I am a Strange Loop“
