Mindful Grieving

 

“One foot in front of the other, over and over again

Until a new normal dawns

And a future you’d not expected

gradually reveals itself.”

Anonymous

Mindful Grieving

I write these opening words while listening to our Lucy’s labored breathing and episodic coughing (she the non-tail-biting one pictured above, the other being our little Molly), this caused by fluid build-up around her 14-year-old heart. 

This morning I had to carry her out to her regular pooping spot on the  vacant lot across the street as she just couldn’t summon the strength to get there on her own.  How quickly she has deteriorated!

Where she used to feel solid in my arms, muscles well-formed and taut from regular exercise, today they felt like a soft sponge, giving way to my supporting arms with no resistance whatsoever. 

For the moment she appears to be comfortable enough as she lies on her bed beside me, but stares aimlessly ahead.  Every now and then she glances up at me with those old deep-brown eyes of hers, eyes that seem to hold the question – what’s happening to me dad?

What’s happening is that Lucy, our sometimes-infuriating, ever the intellectually-challenged, but oh-so-lovable Westhighland terrier is dying – and I miss her already.

Applied Mindfulness 

How do we deal with such pain?  How do we deal with the loss of those who have brought so much joy into our lives?

Fortunately, mindfulness has some answers:

• Meditation for calming a troubled mind.
• Meditation for reflecting on the nature of impermanence.
• Meditation for overcoming isolation.
• Gratitude practice to maintain perspective.
• Mindfulness teachings on the nature of thought.

Shamatha Meditation – Calming the Mind

As discussed here, there are two main types of meditation – shamatha for building concentration (typically through sustained focus on the breath) and vipassana for gaining clearer insight into the human condition.

Mindfulness teaches that a wandering mind is an anxious mind. Shamatha meditation helps us overcome this by strengthening our ability to focus attention on the present moment. 

This is particularly relevant to the process of grieving when our mind tends to dwell on the past and fret about an unknowable, uncertain future.  

Vipassana Meditation – Reflecting on Impermanence

The Buddha taught that all living things experience pain, that pain is simply a part of life and so cannot be escaped. 

Impermanence is one form of pain, this being the truism that everything in the universe – absolutely everything – is in constant flux and that nothing lasts forever.

We know this intellectually of course, yet still rail against the unfairness and cruelty of its implications – that loved ones die. 

Vipassana meditation provides an avenue to reflect on the truth of impermanence and, thereby, come to terms with its implications.  

In short, looking the inevitability of death straight in the eye rather than averting our gaze provides a measure of calm acceptance and comforting solace.

Tonglen Meditation – Overcoming Isolation 

Tonglen practice turns on its head our habit of turning inward at times of grief, times when we tend to dwell almost exclusively  on our own personal loss and sorrow. 

Instead, Tonglen teaches us to reflect on the fact that millions of others, right now, just like us, are also suffering the loss of a loved one – a spouse, a child, a friend, a parent, a beloved pet … 

And, upon such reflection, Tonglen advises us to breathe in this collective pain, shouldering it fully in our mind’s eye, and then to breathe out to this community, connected by mutual grief, all the compassion and desire for relief from suffering that we can muster.  

Is Tonglen practice actually going to provide relief to the multitude?  Probably not.  But it does elicit an expansion of our otherwise circumscribed, isolated, and lonely perspective on life after a loss. 

By reminding us of our shared humanity, by teaching us to open up to loss rather than shut down, Tonglen practice helps soften the edges of our hurt.

Gratitude 

Grief can cause us to lose perspective, scattering our attention over all manner of concerns.  Soon life seems a struggle with overwhelming challenges seemingly everywhere.

Gratitude practice, reflecting on all we still have to be thankful for, serves as a useful counterweight to such unhelpful thinking. 

Grieving Positively – Remembering the Nature of Thought

We know we’re grieving positively when positive feelings arise whenever we bring our loved ones to mind, feelings such as gratitude for having had the privilege of knowing them intimately, or joy in remembering the wonderful times spent together. 

On the other hand, we know we’re grieving negatively when negative feelings arise – wishing pointlessly that they were still around or fearing a future without their support, counsel, and companionship.

Now I fully appreciate that for many this guidance will sound totally wrongheaded, cold even.  In our society it’s the norm to dwell in deep sadness for a considerable length of time after a loved one’s death. But the existence of a norm doesn’t mean it’s beneficial or the best option available.  

In fact, the existence of our current normal for intense, prolonged sadness should be no more surprising than observing that it’s normal for a beginning tennis player to hit the ball into the net most of the time. 

What’s lacking in both instances?  Practice.

In the absence of mind training (via regular exposure to mindfulness teachings and daily meditation) there’s a near zero chance of rising above our evolutionary programming, and that programming clearly dictates prolonged, intense sadness. 

But why?  One theory is that at the dawn of our arrival as a species tens of thousands of years ago, such intense sadness was a potentially life-saving signal to the tribe that you need help.  But why should this still apply to us today?  

In the final analysis we need to remember that emotions are driven by our thoughts and that thoughts arise inside us; they’re not forced upon us by outside circumstances.

As a result, we always get to choose whether to remember our loved ones with a peaceful, joyful mind or an anxious, depressed mind. 

But this assumes regular mindfulness practice in order to even have this choice.  In the absence of such practice, it is difficult to see how one could expect anything other than our usual evolutionary default – prolonged emotional distress.

It’s Okay to be Happy While Grieving

Perhaps it’s a cultural thing; after all, the Irish do seem to handle death better than most with their celebratory wakes.  

But for the rest of us, does there not seem to be some measure of guilt, an inappropriateness even, to expressing joy while simultaneously grieving the loss of a loved one?

But what exactly is the point of putting on a sad face just to play a cultural role?  Absolutely nothing to my way of thinking.

Being open to moments of happiness and joy in the midst of grieving helps soften the blow of loss, keeping us in the present moment and reminding us that the good, the bad, and the indifferent are all just part of life.

And in the final analysis, life after loss keeps rolling on, just along a different path.

Warmest wishes,

Rob @ Living a Mindful Life

Epilogue – Goodbye to Our Lucy

After a long, unsettled night overhearing poor Lucy’s labored breathing, Lynda and I made the difficult but compassionate decision to relieve her of her distress and discomfort.

While rubbing her furry little ears one last time, our Lucy was put to rest at 10:40am on the morning of Saturday, September 21st, 2019.