Idiot Compassion

“… trying to smooth everything over to avoid confrontation …. is not what’s meant by compassion or patience.  It’s what’s meant by control.”

Pema Chodron, Buddhist nun and prolific writer and teacher of Buddhist philosophy

Q:  Your posts have repeatedly emphasized the importance of always behaving in a manner that brings peace into the world rather than aggression, and I agree wholeheartedly with you.  I truly believe that individual acts of kindness and respect, toward everyone we meet, send out tiny ripples of peace, positively impacting the world in a myriad of ways we will never know.   

But, because of this, I really struggle when it comes to knowing how to deal with individuals whom I personally find unpleasant.  If we’re always to show compassion, understanding, and respect, does this mean it’s wrong to cut annoying people out of our life?

A:  Of course not.  We definitely do not have to pal around with those who display a pattern of behaviour that we find unpleasant.  To feel compelled to endure such individuals is referred to as “idiot compassion“; the mistaken belief that being compassionate means to tolerate all manner of behaviour.  We definitely do not have to do so.

But, in a world where everyone is simply doing the best they can, we don’t use pejorative terms like “annoying”. 

Instead, we simply acknowledge that this particular individual is just not our cup of tea; nothing personal and no reason for animosity.  Almost assuredly they’re someone else’s cup of tea, just not ours. 

So, we simply part ways amicably.  Well, at least we part ways amicably.  It is completely unrealistic to think that we can stage-manage how the other person is going to react.  We can’t, and shouldn’t even try, because attempting to do so risks coming across as condescending and disingenuous.  Needless to say, this risks making a necessary parting of ways even more unpleasant than it otherwise may have been. 

And three final points:

• Because we are each a mix of personality traits, referring to someone as “annoying” unfairly overlooks and discounts their positive traits.

• The phrase “pattern of behaviour” is important here.  After all, we each have bad days when we behave in a manner unrepresentative of who we really are.  So, it’s only when we experience repeated unpleasant behaviour that it’s fair to ask ourselves whether we desire that person’s company going forward.

• Because patterns of behaviour can change over time (due to changing biology, environment, and life experiences), a second chance down the road may be worth considering.

“In the final analysis, is my life better or worse with this person in my life?”

Anonymous 

I will leave the final words on this important issue to one of my favourite teachers of Buddhist wisdom, Pema Chodron:

Question to Pema:

 “How do you differentiate the feeling of compassion and the need to remove yourself from a damaging situation?”

 Pema’s response: 

“It’s not the compassionate thing to keep allowing someone to keep being able to feed their violence and their aggression.  So, of course, they’re going to freak out and be extremely upset.  And it will be quite difficult for you to go through the process of actually leaving the situation. 

But that’s the compassionate thing to do. 

It’s the compassionate thing to do for yourself, because you are part of that dynamic and, before, you always stayed.  So now, you’re going to do something frightening, groundless, and quite different.  But it’s the compassionate thing to do for yourself, rather than stay in a demeaning, destructive, abusive relationship.

And it’s the most compassionate thing you can do for them too.

They will certainly not thank you for it, and they will certainly not be glad.  They’ll go through a lot.  But if there’s any chance for them to wake up or start to work on their side of the problem, their abusive behaviour or whatever it might be, it’s up to you to actually draw the line and get out of there.

We all know stories of people who had to hit that kind of bottom, where the people that they loved stopped giving them the wrong kind of compassion and just walked out. 

Then, sometimes, that wakes a person up, and they start to do what they need to do.”

Excerpted from an interview with Pema Chodron by Shambhala International

Warmest wishes,

Rob @ Living a Mindful Life

“You can please some of the people all of the time. 

You can please all of the people some of the time. 

But you can’t please all of the people all of the time.

John Lydgate, British monk (1370 – 1451)

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere.  You yourself, as much as anyone in the entire universe, deserves your love and affection.”

Buddha

“Helping someone else can be as simple as opening a door.  It can be as easy as listening in a genuine way.  And that’s the way we’ll change the world – one person, one situation, one act of kindness at a time.”

Richard Wagamese, Ojibway writer, excerpted from his book, “One Story, One Song”