“To understand all, is to forgive all.”
Evelyn Waugh, from his novel, “Brideshead Revisited“
As far as it goes, this is certainly a lovely sentiment to live by; to assume that we never have all the facts and so forgive those who trespass against us as a routine matter of course.
But I believe we need to go even further.
In fact, it strikes me that to understand all – to understand fully the causes behind each act of human behaviour – actually renders the very concept of forgiveness unnecessary; non-sensical even – because in knowing all, it suddenly dawns on us that there’s never anything to forgive; that we are always, and at all times, blameless.
But how can this possibly be? Simply put, it’s because blame and forgiveness mistakenly assume behavioural choice; that the transgressor could have behaved better, but chose not to.
But, as we’ve seen in previous posts, this take on life is simply incorrect.
In short, belief in behavioural choice is not a tenable position because it is incompatible with science (see these posts: here, here, here, and here or Appendix A for the Coles Notes version).
But this aside, and to get to my main point, it is this mistaken belief in behavioural choice that is the primary obstacle to our manifesting a new, and better, world for us all.
A New World
This post posits the manifestation of a new world, one rooted in compassion, respect, understanding, and goodwill toward all, without exception.
Such a world stands in stark contrast to our own where finding fault with each other is a global pastime and unquestioned norm, just the way things are.
But this “normal” is what lies at the heart of so much misguided anger, division, conflict, and petty drama.
The hope-filled world I will outline lies within our individual (and, therefore, collective) grasp – it’s not a pipe dream – because I now reside there.
“To bring peace to the Earth, strive to make your own life peaceful.”
Anonymous
And its manifestation rests on but one thing; the wholehearted embrace of this simple understanding:
At each and every moment, we are all simply doing the best we can.
How freeing this is!
Blame, anger, and their resulting psychological turmoil simply fall away.
And in their place we begin to experience an ease of being rooted in a new understanding, a new appreciation, that everyone we encounter – everyone – is just like us, fellow beings going about their day in search of security and happiness and doing so to the very best of their ability given the hand life has dealt them. And because we don’t get to choose that hand, each and every one of us is always, and at all times, blameless.
“It’s important to remember we always do the best we can with the information, skills, and resources we have available at the time.”
Mark Coleman, author of “Make Peace With Your Mind“
Outlines of a New World
In a world where behavioural choice is finally seen for what it truly is – factually incorrect – we begin to appreciate that much of what we currently accept as normal human interaction (albeit, dysfunctional) is simply nonsense and no longer justifiable.
Here are some of the ways this new world differs markedly from what we have come to accept as ‘normal’:
– In this new world, we no longer get angry with others or hold a grudge. In a blameless world, there’s nothing to get angry over; we acknowledge the innocence in us all.
– We cease taking things personally. It’s never about us, even if directed at us. What it is about is simply how the other person perceives the world through their own unique filters (biological, environmental, and experiential), and their perspective is just as valid as our own, just different.
– We stop finding fault with others’ behaviour. In a deterministic universe, ‘fault’ has no meaning and no rationale.
– Demanding an apology ceases to make any sense because we’re all just doing the best we can and did not cause harm through willed choice.
– The concept of forgiveness is rendered meaningless, because there is nothing to forgive.
– Saying “I’m sorry” becomes meaningless and redundant in a blameless world because it’s completely understood that you didn’t inflict harm through willed choice.
– ‘Regret’ and ‘shame’ are dropped from the lexicon. While we may feel badly that we’ve caused harm to another, we acknowledge our innocence and hope we do better next time (but, in a deterministic universe, this time could not have been different). And, for some, it’s not even assured they can do better next time because that depends entirely on the behavioural hand they’ve been dealt by life. Some unlucky individuals simply do not possess the ability to do better – and that’s not their fault.
– We cease to label others in derogatory terms for their behaviour and, most importantly, cease to feel any animosity towards them.
– Asking the question, ‘Why?‘ with respect to someone else’s behaviour becomes an invalid question to ask, both because the individual is blameless and because, while they may fashion an answer of sorts, in reality they don’t have the slightest clue because the myriad factors driving behaviour lie well beyond – indeed, infinitely beyond – human comprehension.
Now, I fully acknowledge that such responses are deeply-held cultural norms, many of which, such as “I’m sorry” or “regret”, serve the useful purpose of smoothing over ruffled relationships.
But this is due entirely to our collective ignorance; our tragically-mistaken belief that people do bad things on purpose, through willed choice, and therefore deserve to be judged, found wanting, and punished.
But this belief is simply wrong, and even a cursory examination of the science of behaviour shows this to be the case.
And as we’ve covered in previous posts, this doesn’t mean that bad behaviour is tolerated, it simply means that the person exhibiting it is treated at all times with compassion, understanding, and respect, this being a far cry from the intolerance, anger, and retribution meted out by our current state of ignorance.
My Personal Experience With This New World
This phrase has become my mantra:
At each and every moment, we are all simply doing the best we can.
And what has this done for me?
Well, first off, let me say that in this new world there most definitely remains a copious supply of what I would have formerly referred to as “selfish, self-centred, inconsiderate, mindless boneheads”. 🙂
But, these days, I immediately catch myself judging them and, rather than getting upset and ruining my day, I smile at my habitual reaction and just remind myself that they’re simply doing the best they can.
Sure, it’s boneheaded, but it’s the best they could muster, it’s nothing personal, and it’s certainly nothing to get all worked up over.
I now know, in my head and in my heart, that if they could have done better, they would have, but they simply couldn’t; it was the very best they could do at that moment given the impersonal cumulative impact of their biology, environment, and life experiences.
In choosing* to see the world this way, I retain my peace of mind and experience a relaxed, unperturbed ease of being regardless of external circumstances, a state of mind the former version of myself would have found inconceivable – delusional even.
The good news is that such a world lies most definitely within our grasp. If I can choose to reside here, so can you. And all it takes is adopting a new understanding of human behaviour, one that, unlike our current understanding, is actually compatible with science.
Which World Do We Wish to Live In?
So, time for us all to ask ourselves, which world do we wish to live in? The one we occupy now, the one wracked by non-sensical blame, anger, judgment, and retribution, or one rooted in compassion, understanding, and respect?
And even if your interpretation of the science underpinning this new world differs from my own, what exactly is the downside to adopting it anyway? None that I can think of.
So, welcome to the neighborhood!
Warmest wishes,
Rob @ Living a Mindful Life
* If you have read my posts on Free Will and Blame, you will know that whenever I use the word “choosing”, I don’t mean willful choice but, rather, the unconscious capacity of our brain to be influenced by new life experiences. Such an experience could be something as simple as reading an essay on “learning how to achieve peace of mind through a scientific understanding of human behaviour”, just to cite one decidedly pertinent example!
Appendix A: the drivers of human behaviour
In this post I have asserted that the root cause of all the blame, anger, division, and conflict in the world, both today and since time immemorial, is due entirely to our innocent misunderstanding of what actually drives human behaviour.
In short, belief in willed choice is not a tenable position to take, because it is incompatible with science:
The Physics of Behaviour: The world of physical matter
Our universe (of which we are obviously a part) is simply a collection of sub-atomic particles – electrons, neutrinos, photons, etc. – all answering to one authority; the cold, hard laws of physics.
What these particles are permitted to do at any given moment is completely described and circumscribed by the laws of Newtonian and quantum physics.
“You give me a quantum state of a system, and there are unambiguous equations that will tell me what it will do next.”
Dr. Sean Carroll, theoretical physicist and author of “The Big Picture“
It is at this level, a level with which we have no acquaintance and over which we have no control, where all the behavioural action actually takes place. How could it be anything but?
Simply put, we’re made of matter – quarks, leptons, bosons – and matter answers to the laws of physics, not to metaphysical mind stuff.
By default, it follows that the human brain also answers to this cold reality. There is no room for consciously-willed human intervention here. The feeling of free will is just that – how it feels – not how it actually is.
“We need to set aside the notion that our choices and decisions and actions have their ultimate origin within each of us, ….. that they emerge from deliberations that stand beyond the reach of physical law. We need to recognize that although the sensation of free will is real, the capacity to exert free will – the capacity for the human mind to transcend the laws that control physical progression – is not.”
Brian Greene – theoretical physicist and author of “Until the End of Time“
“Nobody ever would have figured out how nature works at small distances based purely on everyday experience. To human beings, whose direct observations are confined to the “big things”, the quantum theory is ridiculously counterintuitive. But in the twenty-first century it underpins so much of our modern lives, from medical imaging to the latest computing technologies, that we must accept it whether we feel comfortable about it or not.”
Brian Cox – physicist and author of “Why does E = mc2?”
In a universe answerable only to the cold, hard laws of physics, we are all blameless. As such, what we each deserve at each and every turn in life can only be this – compassion, understanding, and respect.
The Biology of Behaviour: The world of organic matter
As documented in this post, human behaviour is influenced by innumerable biological factors – genes, hormone levels, neuronal health, gut flora, epigenetic effects – the full scope of which has only begun to be studied and still remains only poorly understood.
And just to complicate matters further, the expression of these biological factors is influenced by both our environment and by our life experiences.
This is why asking the question, “Why did you do that?“, is simply not a valid question to ask, because it is unanswerable – human behaviour is far too complex to have a simple, pat answer.
But here is the main point: we don’t get to choose these factors, we cannot control these factors, and their impact on who we are and how we behave occurs outside of our conscious awareness.
Indeed, mess with any of these factors and ‘you’ cease to be ‘you’.
Given such utter lack of control over how these factors impact behaviour, how fair is it to sit in judgment of each other? Quite obviously, it’s not.
Warmest wishes,
Rob @ Living a Mindful Life