“You are one thought away from happiness, one thought away from sadness. The secret lies in thought.”
Sydney Banks, “The Missing Link“
Picture yourself in this situation: You and your spouse are driving home from a social function. An embarrassing incident had occurred and the two of you are engaged in an epic argument over it.
Suddenly, as you enter an intersection, a driver running a red light slams into the passenger side of your car.
Do you keep on arguing?
Of course not. With tremendous concern you immediately check on each other’s physical welfare.
So, what happened to your argument, the one that seemed so important just seconds before?
What happened to it is this: You both simply experienced a change of thought.
From being furious with each other one moment to showing deep, loving concern the next, all due to nothing more than switching the TV channel of your mind.
But here’s the thing, it doesn’t take an accident to experience a change of thought; we have the ability to dismiss any thought at will. This is why happiness is always a choice; our choice.
“People are capable of dismissing any emotions, to the extent that they realize that emotions are thoughts.”
Dr. George Pransky, “The Renaissance of Psychology“
“Once we realize that thoughts are empty, the mind will no longer have the power to deceive us. But as long as we take our deluded thoughts as real, they will continue to torment us mercilessly.”
Joseph Goldstein, “Mindfulness – A Practical Guide to Awakening”
The Link Between Thoughts, Feelings, and Perception
Put simply, our thoughts directly dictate how we feel and how we perceive the world.
Whenever we lose sight of this fact, three problems arise:
- We feel justified in feeling the way we do and so act on our negative feelings. We end up spewing aggression into the world, directly harming ourselves and those unfortunate enough to be around us.
- We mistakenly attribute the cause of our feelings to be external factors – a spilled can of paint causes us to feel frustrated; an unkind comment causes us to feel angry; a long line at the grocery store causes us to feel agitated.
- We make ourselves helpless victims of external circumstances. In the mistaken belief that outside factors are causing our agitation, we set about trying to change the world (e.g. divorcing our spouse, quitting our job, distancing ourselves from friends and family, moving to a new home or city, yelling at our children, ….). But because we have, at best, only tenuous control over people and situations, helpless victimhood becomes entrenched. And even when we are able to effect change, we soon discover that new upsets simply take their place. As a result, trying to change the world to our liking becomes a never-ending, futile quest.
“Negative emotions are simply insecure, habitual ways of reacting to life.”
Dr. George Pransky
Thinking Our Way to Peace, Contentment, and Happiness
“It’s our thinking, not our circumstances, that determines how we feel. We forget, moment to moment, that we are in charge of our thinking.”
Richard Carlson, “You Can be Happy No Matter What“
Healthy thoughts induce positive feelings and an easy-going view of life. Even when life’s inevitable challenges arise, they feel manageable and not that big a deal.
Conversely, unhealthy thoughts induce negative feelings. In such a state, the world suddenly appears harsh and life feels like a struggle.
But here’s the thing – the world hasn’t changed. The only thing that’s changed is the quality of our thinking.
In truth, whenever we’re feeling upset, it’s us who’s causing it. Through our own dysfunctional thinking we’re making ourselves upset – and that’s all that’s going on.
And yes, it really is this simple.
Want to ditch the drama? Want to be free from anger, fear, frustration, bitterness, regret, anxiety, tension, stress, agitation, jealousy, envy, hatred, ……. ?
Of course, we all do. And here’s the good news – all it takes is in-the-moment recognition that it’s just our own thinking, nothing more, that’s creating our negative feelings.
“Thought is not reality. However, our personal realities are molded via our thoughts.”
Sydney Banks
“One of the most freeing insights of meditation practice is realizing that the only power thoughts have is the power we give them.”
Joseph Goldstein
Choosing Healthy Thinking
So, given that what we think about is always our choice, why would we ever choose to indulge negative thoughts when they just create negative feelings?
Clearly we wouldn’t. We do so only because:
- We may be completely ignorant of the link between thinking and feeling.
- Or we may be aware of the link but still mistakenly believe that some negative feelings are normal and warranted, just a part of life that has to be endured.
- Or we may be aware of the link but, through lack of practice, haven’t yet mastered the skill to simply dismiss negative thoughts.
- Or we may be aware of the link, practice thought dismissal regularly, but sometimes still get all caught up in our thoughts and end up behaving in an unskillful manner. Hey, no one’s perfect, but at least we’re striving to be so!
With practice, at the onset of any negative feelings, something as simple as bringing to mind the words ‘faulty thinking‘ is all it takes to wake us up to the fact that our thinking is temporarily dysfunctional. And, by definition, all negative thinking is dysfunctional.
Why is this the case? Because we always get to choose how to deal with an unpleasant situation. We can either choose the path of calm wisdom and simply deal with the situation matter-of-factly or we can choose the path of needless, pointless drama. Because drama adds nothing of benefit to any situation – indeed, only makes it worse – it necessarily follows that negative thinking is dysfunctional as otherwise why would any sane individual choose to worsen an already unpleasant situation?
So, once practiced in noticing the onset of negative feelings we’re then positioned to dismiss the underlying negative thoughts – just let them go. Absent our attention, they’re soon replaced by healthier thoughts which provide us with clarity and perspective.
“In a moment of understanding, a person actually sees the connection between his/her thought and his/her experienced reality, and having seen that connection, is able to change from within.”
Dr. George Pransky
Seeing the Folly: Using Our Feelings as Signals
Just as positive physical feelings signal sound physical health, positive emotional feelings signal sound mental health. In such a state, we can trust that we’re seeing the world with clarity and wisdom.
In a similar manner, just as negative physical feelings signal physical malfunction, negative emotional feelings signal mental malfunction; we are drifting into dysfunctional thinking and are being warned that we’re no longer seeing the world with either clarity or wisdom.
Negative emotional feelings are simply our body’s warning not to head down that path, to instead pause and slow down our thinking so we may regain proper perspective.
Regaining proper perspective is nothing more than recognizing, in real time, that it’s just us causing our own upset, and always is us.
“When we begin to see that our experience of past and future is just a thought in the moment, a huge burden is lifted from our lives. We’re not lost in our mind-created worlds.”
Joseph Goldstein
So, Who Appointed You Emperor of the Dishwasher?
Here’s a lighthearted example of what I’ve been talking about:
Those who know me will not be at all surprised to learn that I’m a touch fastidious (okay, a lot fastidious!) when it comes to optimally organizing a dishwasher. Plates go this way so that bowls can go that way and cutlery gets arranged for maximum exposure to the unit’s cleaning jets. Just makes sense, right? Totally logical and efficient.
Unfortunately, my dear wife doesn’t see the world of dishwasher-arranging quite the same way I do. In fact, pretty much the opposite. Plates, bowls, and cutlery are, to my way of thinking, totally helter-skelter. At times I swear she loads the darned machine by simply opening its door and tossing soiled dishes into it from across the room!
Needless to say, given my said fastidiousness, negative thoughts about my otherwise dear wife sometimes do cross my mind, followed, naturally, by negative feelings!
It’s then that mindfulness practice saves me from myself:
- My negative feelings serve as a warning that my thinking is momentarily faulty – “Don’t go down that road!” they tell me.
- Aware that negative feelings are caused by my own negative thinking, I immediately see my folly: “She’s not the cause of my agitation, I am!”.
- Armed with this awareness, I stop mistaking my negative thinking for reality.
- Having now returned to a better state of mind, healthier thoughts arise: “It’s only plates in a dishwasher for goodness sake!”, “Who made you emperor of the dishwasher?!“, “That was a lovely meal she cooked up for us tonight.”, “I think I’ll put on my headphones and stream some classical music.”, “I wonder who won the big boxing match last night?“, and so on and so forth!
Needless to say, were I to instead indulge my negative thinking, see my wife as the cause of my agitation rather than recognize the true cause – my own thinking – the outcome would most definitely not be pretty. I would be upset, she would be upset, and all for what – ‘proper’ dish arrangement in a dishwasher!!??
While this example obviously addresses a rather trivial situation (which, nonetheless, could easily escalate to being far from trivial!), the same steps apply regardless of a situation’s seriousness:
- Always be aware of negative feelings – these are your early-warning signal that your thinking is momentarily dysfunctional.
- Recall that negative feelings are caused by your own faulty thinking (and not the situation you find yourself in).
- Pause, breathe deeply and slowly, relax your muscles, slow your mind down, regain perspective, and then simply dismiss your negative thoughts – just let them go. If need be, repeat silently to yourself, ‘faulty thinking‘.
- In the moment, remember that negative thoughts aren’t reality, they’re just thoughts, ones that you’ve made up all on your own.
- Turn your mind to healthier thoughts.
The Three Principles
What I’ve been describing is part of a psychotherapy modality known as “The Three Principles” (3P), a school of thought I personally believe holds the key to materially reducing the psychological suffering so prevalent in today’s world – everything from minor agitation to genocidal hatred – all of it senseless, needless, and preventable.
Unlike most therapies that categorize certain behaviours as “illnesses”, 3P instead posits that virtually everyone, no matter how outwardly troubled, possesses innate mental health temporarily obscured by the innocent misuse of thinking (i.e. failing to see the link between one’s thoughts and one’s feelings; incorrectly attributing negative feelings to external factors; and then acting in an unhealthy manner due to this incorrect attribution).
Based on my own personal experience, living the tenets of 3P, I encourage everyone reading this post, in the strongest possible terms, to do themselves an enormous favor by further exploring the concepts behind 3P. I believe them to be life-changing.
Here, for such edification, are some eminently insightful books:
- “The Renaissance of Psychology“, Dr. George Pransky
- “The Enlightened Gardener“, Sydney Banks
- “The Inside Out Revolution“, Michael Neill
- “You Can be Happy No Matter What“, Richard Carlson
- “Coming Home“, Dr. Dicken Bettinger & Natasha Swerdloff
- “The Missing Link“, Sydney Banks
- “Slowing Down to the Speed of Life“, Richard Carlson & Joseph Bailey
- “The Wisdom Within“, Roger Mills & Elsie Spittle
Warmest regards,
Rob @ Living a Mindful Life
Appendix 1: Levels of Mental Health
Dr. George Pransky, co-developer of 3P (which, in turn, is based on the teachings of Mr. Sydney Banks), posits five levels of increasing mental health, each higher level representing an increased awareness of the link between our thoughts, our feelings, and our experiential reality.
So, what’s your level on the mental health ladder?
Level 1: Chronic Deep Distress
Individuals at this level have zero thought awareness; every thought represents reality, no matter how delusional. Schizophrenics fall into this category, unable to question the validity of any thought. Unable to hold down a job or maintain personal relationships, such individuals are often placed under guardianship to protect them from their own frightening, self-created ‘reality’.
Level 2: Chronic Distress
While not suffering from psychotic delusions, such individuals nonetheless fail to see any link between their thinking and their experienced reality. To them, it is external circumstances, not their own thinking, that causes their agitation. As a result, they feel victimized and waste much of their life trying to fix their many “problems”. With such a distorted perception of life, work and personal relationships suffer.
Level 3: Chronic Stress
While possessing some thought recognition – for example, able to dismiss unpleasant thoughts in good times – they are easily agitated when things don’t go their way. Further, such reactions are mistakenly considered both justified and perfectly normal – just the way life is. Unfortunately, given the frequency with which life fails to follow our desired script, such individuals experience stress and emotional upset with some frequency and pointlessly waste time trying to mold external circumstances to their liking.
Level 4: Well-Being
Understanding the link between the quality of thought and the quality of lived experience, such individuals are able to make suitable adjustments to their thinking whenever they feel distressed rather than uselessly trying to change the world around them. Emotionally intelligent, they get along easily with others and function at a high level.
Level 5: Profound Well-Being
Possessing a high degree of thought recognition, such individuals easily dismiss negative thoughts and so live free of stress. Seeing their own views as subjective opinions rather than concrete reality renders them open-minded, humble, and easy-going. People relax in their presence and they bring out the best in those around them. In possession of a calm mind and ease of being, such individuals are able to readily access their innate intelligence and so tend to be highly creative.
N.B. “Innate intelligence” refers to the intelligence that operates outside of our conscious awareness. This is the type of intelligence that leads to those “ah ha!” moments of profound insight that seem to come out of nowhere (for insight into innate intelligence see, “Incognito: The Secret Lives of the Brain“, by Dr. David Eagleman).
3P posits that we can only access our innate intelligence when we are in what it refers to as “Free-Flow Thinking” mode, an effortless, almost non-thinking state accessible only when the mind is calm.
Its opposite, referred to as “Process Thinking“, is the type of thinking we bring to bear on such things as school learning and problem solving. Unlike Free-Flow Thinking, Process Thinking feels effortful and, when over-used, negatively impacts mental well-being. Because Process Thinking relies on the manipulation of already-known information, it yields no profound insights.
Appendix 2: Selected 3P Quotes
While I encourage you to read all of the books listed above, here are some selected quotes from them to ponder:
“When people are awakened to the nature of their psychological lives, they experience new, wiser thinking about the same life circumstances that previously seemed problematic.” Dr. George Pransky
“Thoughts taken as thoughts will come and go uneventfully, while those taken as ‘reality’ will persist and become a way of life. The distressed person will live in thoughts and feelings of overwhelm and dissatisfaction; the stressed person in feelings of tension. What each level thinks is real will appear to be real and what appears to be thought will not take on a reality.” Dr. George Pransky
“Rather than believing that we are seeing life realistically, we can learn to question our judgment when we’re feeling off.” Richard Carlson
“Remember that your thoughts are just thoughts. They cannot harm, frighten, or overwhelm you without your consent.” Richard Carlson
“We don’t experience the world, we experience our thinking about the world.” Michael Neill
“No matter how long people have suffered, they’re never more than one thought away from peace.” Michael Neill
“You are free to pay attention to a thought or not. You are free to act on a thought or not.” Dicken Bettinger & Natasha Swordloff
“When you let go of judgmental thinking your spirits lift and you see life with more understanding and compassion.” Dicken Bettinger & Natasha Swordloff
“Let your negative thoughts go. They are nothing more than passing thoughts. You are then on your way to finding the peace of mind you seek, having healthier feelings for yourself and for others.” Sydney Banks
“Judging your own faults or the faults of others leads to unhappiness. A mind that dwells in non-judgment is a contented mind.” Sydney Banks
“Tread not into yesterday’s sorrows, for they are the pathways of despair.” Sydney Banks
“We all live in separate realities.” Sydney Banks
“When you understand the fact of separate realities, there is no logical reason to take personally what others say or do.” Richard Carlson
“When we know that other people (and ourselves) innocently interpret our beliefs as if they were reality, we can let go of the need to be right.” Richard Carlson
“Had our past been different, our ideas about life would be different. Other people’s beliefs are also a result of their past experiences. Had things been different, a totally different set of beliefs would have surfaced.” Richard Carlson
“When people become aware of these Principles (3P) in action in their day to day lives, they find a new frame of reference, one composed of deeper wisdom, better judgment, and more happiness.” Roger Mills & Elsie Spittle
Warmest regards,
Rob @ Living a Mindful Life